


We Are Where We Began

by the_rck



Series: House of Sulfur and Mercury [4]
Category: Chronicles of Amber - Roger Zelazny
Genre: Alternate Universe - Dark, Babies, Captivity, Dark Merlin, F/M, Gender Fluid Character, M/M, Pregnancy, References to Torture, Shapeshifting, Stockholm Syndrome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-04
Updated: 2017-08-24
Packaged: 2018-08-28 23:08:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 11
Words: 36,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8466514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_rck/pseuds/the_rck
Summary: "I had no idea if it was a good sign that I was getting female Merlin right after Martin had left. Short term, it might be, but longer term?"Sometimes, Merlin is male and human. Sometimes, Merlin is female and human. Sometimes, Merlin isn't human at all.





	1. Obedience

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from Wallace Stevens' poem "A High-Toned Old Christian Woman"
> 
> This story and "Less Than Dust" run parallel to a story that's currently a WIP (tentatively called "Garden Our Shadows") that will show what Merlin and Martin are up to. That story will likely end up at least as long as "The Fruit of Your Intents," and I don't expect to finish it for a few months, given my other commitments.
> 
> The series this is part of contains branching AUs. An explanation of the splits can be found [here](http://somethingdarker.dreamwidth.org/36076.html).

“Luke,” a soft, feminine voice said.

I started a little because I hadn’t realized anyone else was there. I set down my paintbrush and turned to look at Merlin. I never quite knew how to think of him-- her? --when he was human but not male.

And I tried not to think of him when he wasn’t human at all. Those times were often very bad indeed.

Merlin, in female form, had dark hair with shadows of red when the light struck it right. She was the same height as in masculine form but looked much softer, weaker. I knew that was deceptive. I also knew that her being willing to let me see her was another sign that Merlin never intended to let me go. Merlin counted on that form for concealment if he ever had to hide from people who knew his face in masculine form.

She strolled into the room, not stopping until she was inches away from me. She didn’t look at me. “You really need someone to teach you,” she said.

I fixed my eyes on my painting. The proportions and perspective were wrong. I knew that. I also hadn’t gotten the colors right. “I’m just going to paint over it,” I responded, “and then throw it out when I can’t any more.”

She put a hand on my shoulder.

I managed not to flinch. When Merlin was female, she didn’t want that. She wanted to pretend that we could touch with neither of us getting hurt. I think Merlin had somehow gotten the idea that a woman was automatically less threatening than a man.

“Are there things you would like to learn?” she asked. “Some things might be possible.” She trailed a finger along the back of my neck. “Painting would be easy. I might-- Well, possibly. I teach classes, you know.”

I’m not sure if she could see my eyes widen, but I’m sure she felt me go tense. “When you make me guess, you frighten me.” I didn’t want one on one lessons in anything from Merlin, but I couldn’t imagine Merlin letting me attend group classes. That would mean letting me out of my cell. Possibly she just meant to send in someone else as a teacher. That would… not be unpleasant.

“Not my current intention.” There was a smile in her voice. She didn’t say anything more for a while. Then she said, “Martin left this morning. He’ll be back, but the time differential is harsh.”

I could tell she wanted some sort of reaction from me, so I said, “Gone to Amber?” I don’t think I quite managed to sound like it mattered to me. If Martin had gone, where didn’t change anything. His absence might change nothing or might-- Well, if Merlin missed Martin, Merlin was likely to take it out on me.

“He had some errands,” she said with a lightness that I was certain was largely feigned. “Amber might be part of it or might not.”

I tried to figure out what she wanted from me. She usually didn’t hurt me, physically at least, in this form, but she didn’t turn up this way very often, so I was still guessing. I suspected that Merlin used this form to allow himself to be physically vulnerable without actually being, without feeling like he was, without remembering too much of what I’d done to him. Somehow, he could have me give him a massage or a foot rub or even hold him while he was in female form but not while he was in male form. Sometimes, there was sex, but it was more about me finding ways to touch her that made her feel good than about her doing anything at all to me.

I had no idea if it was a good sign that I was getting female Merlin right after Martin had left. Short term, it might be, but longer term?

Change terrified me. I wanted things to be better, but I really didn’t believe that they could be. Merlin liked my pain far too much.

She pinched my shoulder. Obviously, I’d been silent too long.

I bowed my head. Admitting that I didn’t know what she wanted was usually a bad idea. “I’m sorry Martin’s gone.” I was, and I wasn’t. Martin made Merlin unpredictable. Many of the changes had been tilted ever so slightly toward the better, but I didn’t trust it. When Merlin was kind, he always made up for it later.

“Are you?” Her tone told me that she understood considerably more about my ambivalence than I liked.

I kept my head down. “I’m always sorry when you’re not happy.” Which was entirely true. Merlin made sure to pass the misery along.

“Stand up.”

I did.

She took two steps back and looked me up and down. She frowned at the paint on my clothing.

I was pretty sure that was about not wanting paint on her own clothing, so I removed my shirt and used it to wipe as much of the paint off of my hands as I could.

“Put your brushes away and clean up properly.” There was a sharpness in her tone that surprised me until I realized that Merlin had strong opinions about both painting and keeping one’s tools in the best condition possible.

So I carefully cleaned the brushes and put my paints away. Merlin had shown me all of that on one of the occasions when he was being more or less kind. I didn’t want to think what she might do if I made a mistake or cut corners.

She didn’t say anything, just stood and watched.

When I was done, I knelt at her feet, keeping my eyes on the floor.

She put a hand on my head and said, “I’m not displeased with you.”

My shoulders went tight with fear at what might come next.

“You do whatever I say to.”

I was pretty sure that meant she was planning to tell me to do something that she thought I might refuse. I couldn’t imagine what. There were probably things I wouldn’t do, even knowing Merlin would punish me, but those were things the Merlin I knew would never ask me to do. I was pretty sure they were things that Martin would disapprove of, too, and that made them even more unlikely.

She ran her fingers through my hair. “Come to the bedroom.” She left the room without looking back.

I followed, of course.

She took one of the chairs, and I knelt next to her. She didn’t say anything for a while, just played with my hair. Finally, she took a deep breath and said, “I want you to tie me up and fuck me.” She said it flatly and not at all as if it were something she would actually enjoy.

I hunched down, tightening everything as if that might make her go away. “You don’t want that,” I said. It was more of a plea than a statement of fact. I was pretty sure she’d punish me if I did it, just as certainly as if I refused. “Please.”

She hesitated then sighed. “I won’t punish you for obeying, Luke.”

I didn’t believe her, but I knew better than to question that. “As you wish.” There really wasn’t anything else I could say. I wasn’t actually sure that I could get it up for that, but I knew I was going to try. I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply. I wondered if she was planning to give me more guidance as to what she expected. I wondered if she knew what she expected.

“We both know I can stop you any time.”

I flinched. Did that mean she expected me to do things she might want to stop me doing?

She started rubbing my back. “I may hurt you if I panic, but I’m not going to punish you. I promise.”

If she did panic, I knew, it would be because I was the one touching her, because what I had done still held her. We both knew that she hadn’t actually purged those memories. I might no longer be clear about the details, but she hadn’t forgotten a single moment of it.

“If you did punish me,” I said softly, “it would only be right. I hurt you.”

She laughed. “We’ve gone well beyond punishment for that. Now it’s just for my pleasure. You can tell yourself you deserve it if that helps, but that has no connection with why I do it.”

I’d known that, mostly, but Merlin had never, in any form, stated it so bluntly before. I think that, deep down, I’d always kind of hoped that there might come a point when Merlin felt I’d suffered enough, had paid entirely for my sins. 

It hurt to let that hope die.

“I-- I need to know more of what you want.” Saying that was difficult because I knew she might react badly, but I really couldn’t do this unless I knew. “Please.”

She didn’t answer immediately, and I fought to remain still while I waited. Finally, she said, “I’m… not entirely sure. I need to get past… some things.”

Things I’d done. Merlin had never asked me to try to-- Was she expecting me to fix something I’d broken? I wasn’t sure it worked that way. “I am sorry, Merlin. I…” I shook my head because I couldn’t think where that sentence should go.

“I know, Luke.” Her voice was gentle. “I said once that I wouldn’t ever believe that, but I actually do.” Her hand moved in circles on my back. “If you could say no, would you?”

Did she mean in general or to this specifically? I didn’t know, so I didn’t answer.

She touched my face and said, “I lost you somewhere along the way.” She gave me the look that I recognized as Merlin studying some process or thing that wasn’t working properly in order to decide how best to fix it.

I shuddered and looked away.

“I always miscalculate people,” she said, “and I’m particularly bad at you.”

I stayed entirely still. Anything I might say or do would be a mistake. Merlin understood people enough to have broken me, but he’d done it entirely with blunt instruments, things that would destroy anyone. I’d thought it was that that was less work or that the things that would break me fastest were things Merlin wasn’t willing to do, but maybe it was that he hadn’t known.

Maybe he hadn’t wanted to know.

“The person you used to be could have done this.”

And the person I was now couldn’t. Would she accept that? I couldn’t make myself look at her. I knew I should, that she probably wanted that, but I couldn’t. “I am who you’ve made me.” It was barely a whisper. “I thought that was what you wanted.” I let bewilderment and terror into that last sentence. If she wanted something-- someone-- else, what would she do to reshape me?

“I know, and it’s all right, Luke.” She sounded vaguely sad. “You haven’t done anything wrong.”

As if that ever mattered.

She kept rubbing my back for several minutes without saying anything, and I leaned against her leg and waited for her to decide what she wanted. “Is there anything you want?” she asked finally.

I was pretty sure she wasn’t talking about my lists of books and movies and such. Merlin usually acquired anything I requested in that direction. 

For some reason, my mind went to Gail, my former girlfriend, again. I wasn’t going to mention her to Merlin for fear Merlin would be jealous. I was almost certain Merlin wouldn’t hurt Gail to get at me. Merlin had liked Gail, and he hadn’t changed that much.

But Merlin might very well hurt me.

I hesitated. I put a lot of effort into not wanting anything at all. If she was just playing with me, anything I said might give her another way to hurt me. If she wasn’t… Was there anything I wanted that Merlin might actually give me? Was there anything that I could ask for that might work as a lever to change things in my favor?

“I know. That’s a hard question.”

I thought the sympathy in her voice might be genuine, so I lifted my head to look at her.

She smiled at me and ran a finger across my lips. “I’ll give you two things for free.” She sounded amused. “I’ll let you come to one of my introductory painting classes. A small class, maybe four other students, and, for now, just one session.”

I felt my eyes widen in astonishment. I didn’t dare move or say anything for fear she’d take that away from me. I didn’t give a damn about painting, but a class with other people meant leaving my prison.

“That’ll be in a few days,” she went on. “I need time to set it up.” She pulled me a little closer against her leg. “I do want to do nice things for you. Sometimes.”

I’d spent months trying to figure out something-- anything-- I could do to incline Merlin more toward kindness, but I’d eventually realized that whatever pushed him to torture me had nothing at all to do with anything I did or didn’t do when he visited. It was all a tangle in his head, and he wasn’t going to let me know what he was thinking.

“For the second thing…” She paused, and I realized that she was taking pleasure in keeping me in suspense.

But the first thing was good, so I let myself hope that the second would be, too.

“Would you like to go outside again?” Her expression told me that she knew the answer. “To the beach or to one of other places? There’s a nice meadow and a mountainside forest. There’s a creek just deep enough for wading with flat rocks nearby for watching falling stars. Or we could actually use those hiking boots.” She hesitated. “There’s snow, too, but we’d need different clothes for that.”

I started to shake. I’d been telling myself that I mustn’t let myself hope for another chance to see the sky. That Merlin had taken me out once was miracle enough. I wasn’t going to get more.

But apparently I was. “Please,” I said, almost failing to get the word out. “Yes. Please. Thank you.”

“Where do you want to go?” Her expression told me that she wasn’t going to decide for me.

I hesitated. I knew the beach. I knew what Merlin would probably do there, and I loved the water. But this might be my only opportunity to go somewhere else. Then it occurred to me that wading combined with star gazing implied a very long stay-- from sunlight through dusk and into full night. Merlin would probably want sex or, at least, cuddling, but I could bear that.

But could I bear the darkness part of watching the night sky? Darkness with Merlin next to me. I had nightmares about that. Stars, though-- “I haven’t seen stars in a long time.” Merlin wouldn’t like it if I panicked, so I wasn’t going to panic. For stars, I could do that.

“Are you sure?” Judging by her face, she saw the same problem I had.

I closed my eyes and said, “Please.”

She cupped my cheek with one hand and sighed. “I can always make light, I suppose.” She stood, turned her back on me, and walked to the other side of the room. “Have you eaten recently?”

I wasn’t actually sure. I had no idea how long it had been. After a second or two, I said, “I’d probably be asking Ghostwheel for food soon if--” If she weren’t there. I was pretty sure I didn’t need to say that part.

“I might be able to find some hotdogs and marshmallows. Something like them at least.”

Which implied building a fire. Was Merlin really going to trust me for that? She could. I wasn’t stupid enough to try anything, but given that I still wasn’t allowed to shave myself… Or was that, at this point, only an excuse to give me some human contact? Merlin let me have paints and turpentine. I was pretty sure those were toxic. Possibly not toxic enough. I hadn’t experimented.

“Please.” I couldn’t think of anything else to say.

She turned back to look at me. She smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes. Those still looked sad. “You can say a lot with just that one word.”

It was the one thing that was almost always safe to say. I bowed my head. I had no idea what to do with a melancholy Merlin, not when she wasn’t hurting me to make herself feel better. I wasn’t even sure why she was unhappy.

Probably it was because Martin was gone. Yes, that was the only thing it could be.


	2. Star Gazing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I was wrong when I called the first part of this a one shot. I'm not sure how long this will be, but this chapter isn't the end either. Chapter three might finish it, but, at this point, I hesitate to promise that.
> 
> Thanks to lumy12 for cheerleading.

Merlin had her arms wrapped around me as we lay on a large, flat rock, looking up at the stars. She hadn’t demanded anything terrible from me, but she also hadn’t let me ignore her the way I had mostly done at the beach. The food had been a bit more elaborate than Merlin had suggested, but we had cooked it ourselves.

It was colder now and darker than I liked, but Merlin had brought in blankets and stayed close enough that I couldn’t think that I was alone. And the stars were spectacular. I wished I had a way to preserve the moment because I knew that memory wouldn’t do it justice.

Neither of us had said anything for quite a while. I kind of hoped that Merlin wouldn’t speak, wouldn’t move. I was pretty sure that Merlin was still sad, but she hadn’t said anything or done anything to confirm it.  Since confirmation was likely to equal pain for me, I wasn’t eager for proof. Part of me hoped she’d sleep so that we could spend the whole night there. I didn’t like the darkness. I didn’t want to be with Merlin. I really, really didn’t want to go back to my cell.

"Would you rather I called you Rinaldo?"

Merlin’s question startled me. I couldn’t think of an answer because I wasn’t sure what she wanted. After a moment, I said, "It doesn’t actually matter." It didn’t. I wasn’t Rinaldo any more. I wasn’t really Luke, either, not the person Luke used to be. I was… Well, I supposed I didn’t actually have a name any more. If Merlin called me Luke, I had to be Luke. Just not that Luke.

The thought didn’t upset me, but Merlin tightened her arms and buried her face in my shoulder. After several seconds, she said, "I don’t suppose I could manage the change anyway." She sighed. "I would like you to be happier."

I didn’t think she’d be willing to stop hurting me, and I couldn’t think of anything else I actually wanted. Merlin letting me out of the cell as a special treat only underlined that the cell was as much about hurting me as about keeping me from escaping. I couldn’t escape Merlin’s Shadow, not unless he wanted me to. I shook a little and tried to push that out of my mind. It was easier if I just didn’t remember that there was anything else. "I don’t understand," I whispered.

"I know. I took that from you, didn’t I?"

She had, so I didn’t answer. I stared up at the stars instead. "I almost think I could fall into the sky," I said.

Merlin shifted next to me. "If you really feel that way, it’s probably a problem with your inner ear."

I laughed. I couldn’t help it. I wasn’t sure if Merlin wanted me to, but I was pretty sure that she didn’t want me not to, so I didn’t try to hold it back.

She brushed one hand across my forehead. "I haven’t heard that in a very long time."

I bit my tongue on the impulse to ask her why she thought that was. Merlin liked my bravado when I could manage it— and when he could destroy it— but he didn’t like sarcasm. Honest bitterness and grief were fine, but sarcasm was an attack, and Merlin didn’t like being attacked. I shuddered.

She sighed again. "There was a part of you, once, that really got off on the idea of this."

She didn’t mean the star gazing. My guts clenched as I tried to make myself think she did. "I… don’t remember." It was a lie and not a lie. I couldn’t see any way that she wouldn’t know that. Maybe she wouldn’t push. It was possible.

And I still did get off on it. It’s just that it was because Merlin had conditioned me to. We both knew that. When Merlin wanted something from me, he got it.

She turned my head and kissed me. 

That was easy. I knew what I was supposed to do. I kissed back as eagerly as if I really wanted it. I kept my arms at my sides. If we’d been-- actually been as opposed to whatever the hell we were-- lovers, I’d have run my hands over her body in the hope that both of us would enjoy it.

When she pulled back, she looked down at me for a while. 

I couldn’t really see her face, so I couldn’t even guess at what she was thinking.

“I lost you. I knew I might. I wanted to keep you you, but I couldn’t-- can’t-- stop destroying you. Ghostwheel doesn’t understand, and no one else could tell me to stop. You--” She made a sound that was almost a laugh, just more bitter. “You never had a chance, did you?”

I hadn’t. If I’d seen any scrap of opportunity, I’d have seized it and held as long as my teeth and fingernails could find any purchase. I closed my eyes for a second. “I think… It would be worse, being where I am now, if I had.” I swallowed hard. “I looked. Don’t think I didn’t.”

“Is it entirely unbearable?” She sounded morbidly curious.

“It can’t be. I bear it.” I forced a smile then realized she probably couldn’t see it. Except that Merlin could see in the dark. If he wanted to. “Merlin… Nothing I do makes it better. Tell me what I can do, please.”

She put her head on my shoulder and didn’t say anything.

I stared at the stars and thought about falling up. I raised one hand toward the sky as if I might touch the lights above me. I suppose there must be places in Shadow where one can. When I lowered my arm, I asked, “Today, why did you change your mind about having me--” My throat closed on the words. The possibility that she might change her mind again terrified me. I shook my head.

She remained silent for a while. One of her hands rubbed my chest. When she spoke, the words were soft enough that I had to strain to hear. “There’s not enough left of who you were. I think… I need to take a risk.”

“Ah.” And the only risk in anything with her and me was to me. If she really wanted to be afraid, she’d need someone who actually could disobey. Not me. Not any of the other people in her Shadow. And not Martin because she couldn’t bear it if he turned out to want to hurt her more than in play. Or, I supposed, if she lost control and harmed him. If she lost control, she might even kill him. If that happened, Ghostwheel would likely survive. The rest of us probably wouldn’t.

After nearly a minute of silence, I cleared my throat. “There are-- I think maybe I remember-- Some people are very good at doing that. If you can find other things, you can find that. Go to them or bring them here.” I felt a little pity for whoever she found. I was pretty sure they’d die. Death in agony was probable. 

But it wouldn’t be me screaming. I could live with that.

There was a smile in her voice when she answered, a bitter one but a smile nevertheless. “You don’t care what happens to anyone else, do you?”

I shrugged. I was pretty sure that Merlin knew that I’d try to protect Sibyl and the other people he let me spend time with. But hurting them to get at me was a line Merlin wouldn’t cross and not just for pragmatic reasons. 

As far as I could tell, it had never occurred to any of them that he might.

I let my mind wander. It kept returning to Merlin having said that Ghostwheel could tell her to stop but wouldn’t. I wondered if I could persuade Ghostwheel to change his mind. I’d never had much luck persuading him of anything before. He liked me, but he loved Merlin.

Martin could also tell Merlin to stop but wouldn’t. I had a snowball’s chance of changing his mind. 

I couldn’t think of anyone else Merlin cared about enough to matter. I had the feeling that there were other people but that they were in that part of my mind that hurt too much to visit.

I wondered if Merlin’s earlier question about if I wanted anything still held. I thought I had a glimmering of an idea. I couldn’t see it yet or feel its shape, but I was sure there was something. I just wasn’t sure I could look closely enough at my time with Merlin before the maze, before the rape, before-- 

Oh. No. I really hadn’t wanted to remember. I’m not sure how I brought myself to ask, “The children-- your children--?” My mother’s children. My mouth was suddenly dry. I swallowed and tried to find enough moisture to go on. “Merlin-- What did you do with them?”

Merlin pulled away and sat up. She looked up at the stars for a few seconds before speaking. “Before-- I didn’t realize how terribly young you are. I thought-- I thought she was-- would be-- a good mother. But she did that to you. I didn’t realize.” She finally looked down at me. She touched the side of my face gently. “Ghostwheel got them out without anybody knowing. Your mother won’t find them.”

I wished I could actually see Merlin’s face. I wanted very badly to turn away and to curl up as tightly as I could. Remembering my mother seared my guts as if white hot iron and ice near absolute zero were piercing me at the same time. I was completely sure that Merlin wouldn’t have harmed his own children, any children really, but my mother had no such protection, and Merlin no longer had any mercy.

I trembled and hoped that Merlin wouldn’t notice. Right now, she’d probably offer comfort, and I’d probably take it. I always did. The idea of that for this nauseated me.

Merlin’s hands moved over my body in a way that I was sure was meant to be soothing. I have no idea how she could think that that would work. “It doesn’t change anything,” she told me. 

I expected her to lie down and pull me close the way she usually would, but she didn’t.

“The children are with my mother. I… couldn’t. Your mother-- Well, I have no idea what she’s up to right now. She can’t get into Sawall, and she can’t find us. Ghostwheel is watching her. If she starts anything, I’ll reconsider, but--” 

I felt her shrug through her hands. I wanted very badly to believe her, but I didn’t think even Merlin was stupid enough to have actually done that.

“Someday,” she said, “I’m going to want to talk to them, and I don’t want to have to tell them I hurt her or killed her.”

I relaxed a little because that did sound like Merlin. It was unbelievably stupid, but it was the sort of conclusion that Merlin might well come to. I still wanted to cry. I wanted it to be my mother next to me rather than… whatever Merlin was to me. Whether my mother was alive or not, the only way I was ever going to see her again was if Merlin brought her here.

But… Children… Could I? Would Merlin? Did I even dare ask? “I’m never going to have children.” I put as much of my grief and heartbreak into that as I could. I didn’t think it mattered that the grief and heartbreak were about something else entirely. A child that Merlin cared about, a child who assumed better of him than what Merlin did to me so very often… It might do nothing, but it might. It might, and I had nothing else.

Merlin sighed and kept stroking my face. “If you want that… I expect Xera would. She likes you. And she and Sibyl both think that ‘children of the gods’ would help keep their people safe.”

Xera. The woman who taught me music and who changed my sheets. I closed my eyes. The idea didn’t repel me, but it also didn’t interest me. I probably could. If Merlin wanted me to, I’d even be enthusiastic about… the process. It wouldn’t matter who he picked for that because it wouldn’t involve physical pain.

I leaned into Merlin’s hand and forced myself to relax a little. “You’d-- You’d get my child to the Pattern? Then… Would you let a child of mine leave?” I was almost certain I knew the answer to both questions, but I needed Merlin to promise so that he couldn’t just ignore this as yet theoretical child. A child Merlin was indifferent to wouldn’t help me at all. “I think--” I let my voice break a little. It didn’t take much effort. The hard part was not sobbing. “I think that it would make me happy to think that I had a child who had what I couldn’t.” My voice broke entirely on the last word, and my eyes were wet.

She bent down and kissed my forehead. “You know me better than to need to worry about that, Luke. I would. The child is not the parents.” She lay down beside me again and cuddled up close. “I’ve always known I would if you did. I just… I didn’t want you to think that I wanted it and do it for that. Children shouldn’t come from that.” The tone of the last sentence was harsh enough to make me flinch. “You didn’t do that, Luke. You weren’t even there. That-- That’s one thing I don’t blame you for.” After a long pause, in a voice so soft I almost couldn’t hear it in spite of how close she was to me, she went on, “I love them anyway. I’d have-- Yes. Well. No one asked.”

I supposed we should have, but we hadn’t. It was another way I hadn’t understood Merlin. I had been so very, very stupid.

I was remembering too many things I had worked to forget. I started to shake again. I turned my face away because I didn’t want her to see the pain there. “I’m sorry. I’m so very sorry.” I set my jaw against the urge to keep repeating it until she responded. I wasn’t actually likely to enjoy such a response.

“I know.” She didn’t say anything else for a while. She started rubbing a hand across my chest in the same pattern she used on my back when she wanted me to relax, so I tried very hard to do that. “I think… Do you understand why I hated you? From what you said to Martin when he… questioned you, I didn’t think you did. It wasn’t what your mother did-- what you let her do. It wasn’t that you beat me and raped me.” Her voice shook a little. I was pretty sure I wasn’t supposed to notice that. “I hated you because you made yourself my best friend. I never had one before, and you… It was all to trap me, all to hurt me.” She sounded hurt and bewildered, and I couldn’t think of any safe response.

But I could feel her tense beside me, waiting for a response, so I said, “I… I didn’t plan that.” Those years on Earth had been the best of my life. “That time was… freedom.” Would she understand? I had thought, for a little while, that I had choices. I’d been wrong.

“And then your mother summoned you home.” The bitter dryness in Merlin’s voice told me that she didn’t consider that adequate.

I didn’t have an answer that she’d like, so I remained silent.

She sighed. “Hold me, Luke. Let me pretend for a while.”

I turned toward her, put my arms around her, and pulled her close. She relaxed against me. I think she even slept for a while. At least, her breathing slowed, and she didn’t move or speak. I couldn’t sleep, so I turned my head enough that I could see the stars without disturbing Merlin. 

Merlin having brought me out twice and having promised me another outing led me to hope that this actually would happen again, but I still couldn’t bear to lose the time to sleep. With Merlin in female form, I could almost pretend that I was holding someone else, that nothing terrible was looming in my future.

I’m not sure how long it was before Merlin stirred. She went stiff in my arms for just a moment, and I think it took her that time to realize that I wasn’t a threat. That I had been, once, probably didn’t help.

Still, she didn’t attack me immediately. I waited to see if she would.

After a moment, she laughed with no humor whatsoever. “You never fight, do you?” She sounded sad again.

“You taught me the price of that.” I managed not to allow any emotion into the words.

“It seemed like a good idea at the time.” She ran a hand along my side all the way down to my hip. She squeezed just a little then said, “Are you warm enough?”

It took me a moment to realize that the squeeze and the question actually didn’t connect. I wasn’t missing some hidden meaning. I resisted the urge to fidget. Asking her what she wanted was almost always a mistake, and I really didn’t want any more pain. Yes, the evening’s pain had all been my mind, but… I’d have preferred time with Merlin in the form where his skin was flame. My body would heal eventually.

I was warm enough, mostly. The night air was warmer than the maze usually was, and the blankets were soft and thick enough to keep our body heat in. “The blankets are good,” I told her after a longer pause than I should have allowed.

She ran a finger under the waistband of my sweatpants. “I don’t think we can undress without freezing.”

I agreed, so I nodded. I’d still do it if she told me to. I’d do anything she told me to.

Her hand worked lower.

I inhaled sharply as her fingers found my cock. That, at least, was a very clear indication of what she wanted, and it wasn’t actually a surprise. I’d hoped, but I’d also known. I started getting hard immediately. Whatever-- whoever-- else I was, I was well trained. “Please,” I whispered without even being sure what I was begging for.

The fingers of her other hand brushed my lips. “I probably shouldn’t.”

She wasn’t asking my opinion, so I kept silent and waited.

“There’s so little in you but me.”

Wasn’t that what Merlin wanted? He’d certainly worked hard enough to get me to that point.

“I’m not angry, Luke,” she said, and I realized that I’d started to shake. “It’s not a choice you made.”

It was, actually, but I didn’t think arguing with her was wise. I’d decided that I wanted my body alive, that the scraps of self I could keep were worth the price, that there might be a chance of… something else some day. 

I was probably beyond it being a choice now, but it had been one.

Merlin didn’t warn me. My first hint that something unexpected would happen was feeling the chaos of the Logrus surrounding me. It didn’t make me as sick as it used to, but I still had no idea how Merlin could have that and the Pattern both in his psyche.

I staggered at going from lying flat to standing. The blankets had come with us, and they dropped to the floor. 

Merlin put her hands on my arms to steady me. That was all that kept me from collapsing when I realized that we were in a room I’d never seen before. There wasn’t a lot of light, just a glow from a fireplace. 

I leaned on Merlin a little as I tried to get my bearings. I wanted to cling, but I didn’t quite dare. “Merlin--?”

She pulled me in closer. “I’m going to bring the lights up gradually.”

Which was kindness to me. She could adapt to that sort of change pretty much immediately. As the lighting improved, I forced myself to look around.

It was a bedroom, just one without any of the… extras Merlin had put in mine. The bed was made. It was covered with a quilt patterned to look like a sunset over mountains. I had a better sense now of how much work was involved in that sort of thing than I used to, so I was impressed. The walls and floor were wood, and it rather looked as if the furniture grew out of that. The floor under my feet felt warmer than the air around me, warm enough that I thought it had to be heated.

Some of the art on the walls looked familiar. It took me a moment to place it. When I did, I had to suppress a flinch. “This is your room.” I didn’t quite manage to make it a question. He’d had some of the same art in his apartment back on Earth.

“It’s warmer here, and it’s not… Not.”

It took me a moment to parse that. Then I realized that she thought that being in a place where he-- she-- had never hurt me made a difference.

Merlin really was shit with people.

Still, that told me that I needed to smile and to meet her eyes.

She smiled back. “You know, if you’d come before the food ran out, instead of your mother after, I was going to greet you like this and try to seduce you.”

For a moment, I couldn’t breathe because my lungs felt frozen. I could only stare at her. Then I shook my head, more to get my thoughts moving than to deny her words. “I’m sorry,” I managed at last. There was more that I could have said, but as long as I remembered my mother, I wanted to protect her. Turning Merlin’s anger on her had always been both possible and something I wouldn’t-- couldn’t bear to-- do.

I think something of my distress must have shown because Merlin pulled my head to her shoulder and made soothing noises while she rubbed my back. Then she tugged me over to sit next to her, on the floor near the hearth.

I felt a little relief that we hadn’t gone straight to the bed, but that was outweighed by fear. I had no idea what was going to happen or how she wanted me to react.

“I thought this would be easier if I was female.” She sounded rueful as much as anything. “That doesn’t actually help you, does it?”

It had never been about helping me before, so I didn’t understand why it was an issue now. And I was certain that Merlin’s initial decision this time had been more about himself-- herself? If I tied him down and fucked him while he was male, he certainly would kill me. I supposed that him possibly not killing me might count as helping me, but... “You’re Merlin. In any form, you’re Merlin.”

“Yeah.” She stared into the fire for a while. “I can’t let you go. If I could, maybe I’d get past not wanting to. Maybe not but maybe. The part of me that likes hurting you-- Well. It’s ugly. I don’t want it. But… With you--” She turned toward me and cupped my face in one hand. “It’s also almost beautiful. I’m not sure I can stop. I want to, and I don’t.”

I’d known most of that. I hadn’t realized that Merlin felt any conflict about what he did to me, but the rest was not news. I wasn’t sure the additional knowledge would do me any good at all.

She held my face for a moment more then lowered her hand and looked at the fire again. “Do you really want a child?”

I shrugged. I didn’t think she’d like my real reasons. I also didn’t think she’d ever let me see such a child, so it was a bit easier to be cold blooded about the benefits to me outweighing the risks to anyone else.

“Aren’t you afraid I’d hurt it?”

“You wouldn’t.” I knew that. “Whatever else-- You wouldn’t. I was stupid about you. Repeatedly. But I’m not wrong about that.” If I was, Sibyl would have found a way to kill him. I doubted that that had occurred to Merlin as even remotely possible, but I was pretty sure Sibyl’d thought about ways of doing it. She never would because Merlin was Merlin and there was no need.

Merlin made a thoughtful noise and didn’t say anything else for a while. After a while, she said, “Are you thirsty? Or hungry? Or--?” She pointed at a door that stood ajar. “The bathroom’s through there. If you want to wash, you can. I need to think.”

That was practically a command, so I stood and headed for the bathroom.

As I went, I heard her say, “I do a lot with you without thinking it through, and this… I have to be sure.”

I didn’t much like the sound of that, but there was damn all I could do about it, whatever it was. I washed my face after taking care of other business. I didn’t quite dare to shower, but I tried to make sure I didn’t smell of anything worse than woodsmoke. 

Merlin was still sitting on the floor by the fireplace when I emerged. “I shouldn’t,” she said, “but I’m going to.” She looked up at me, her expression serious and almost frightened. “Just this once… If you want a child with me, I will. I won’t offer again. I shouldn’t this time, but--” She shrugged. “You don’t have to. I can or not. It doesn’t matter to me.”

I was pretty sure that the fear was a sign that it did matter. She knew that it would change things, and change was as terrifying for her as it was for me. 

I went down on my knees next to her. “A child should be wanted.” I wondered if Merlin would have more trouble dealing with her own child than with one that was only mine. For me, well, if it worked, the potential benefits would be greater, but it wouldn’t work if Merlin didn’t decide herself. If Merlin didn’t really want a child, he’d still care for it to the best of his ability, but he wouldn’t love it. He might even, after months of gestation, hate the child. 

And then he’d take it out on me because he wouldn’t on the child.

“There is that.” Merlin pulled her knees up to her chest. I had never seen her look so uncertain. Him, yes, many times while he was my prisoner. But not him after and never her.

It scared the shit out of me.

For the first time, I really wished that Martin was there. He was the one person who could step between this, whatever it was, and Merlin. I didn’t dare to. 

I didn’t dare not to.

Instinct told me that she needed a hug, but that wasn’t something I could do, not unless she told me to. “Merlin--”

She didn’t look at me. “I think sometimes about children-- mine, yours, any of the lost ones we both know our fathers and uncles have to have left throughout Shadow. But I want friends and--” She shrugged with one shoulder, more as if she was shaking something of than as if she was expressing an opinion. “The Amber side of things is full of really shitty parenting. I could hardly do worse, but I also-- If I don’t do better, what’s the point? And the ones who are grown have lives and ambitions and-- They might be dangerous. But children are, too.”

She turned and fixed her eyes on me. “You took my ability to trust. I want it back.”

I flinched and tried very hard to sink into the floor.

She touched my face. “I’ve taken more than that from you, haven’t I? I almost-- almost-- wish I could give it all back.”

I couldn’t breathe.

“I’d only end up taking it all again.” She let her hand fall. “Am I a monster, Luke?”

The correct answer, of course, was no, but if I gave it too quickly, she’d know I didn’t mean it. She’d probably know I didn’t mean it anyway. What would she do then? I licked my lips. “With me.” It came out as the barest whisper. “With me but not… It never occurs to anyone else that you might--” I shook my head.

Some of the tension went out of her shoulders. She shook her head. “I haven’t forgotten Melina.”

I had. I tried hard to match the name to someone in my memory. I was pretty sure that admitting I had no idea who Merlin was talking about would be dangerous for me. “I’m sorry.”

“What did you do to her? No. I don’t want to know. Unless-- Is there any chance she’s alive? Ghostwheel couldn’t find her.”

Which meant she was pretty certainly dead, but I didn’t know. I didn’t remember. “Mother--” My throat closed up. I couldn’t put blame on my mother. I also couldn’t bear it myself. Something I hadn’t realized was still whole inside me cracked. “Mother didn’t tell me.” It might even be true.

Knowing that, if my mother had been there, she’d have stepped forward to take responsibility in order to protect me didn’t help at all. I fought to hold back tears and failed.

Merlin watched me cry for almost a minute. Then she said, “Take your shirt off, Luke.”

I tried to dry my face on my shirt as I pulled it off, but my eyes were still leaking.

She took my shirt from my hands and gently wiped my face. “I’m not going to punish you for Melina. I won’t punish you for anything that happened before.” She hesitated then went on, “I won’t go after your mother for Melina either.”

That hadn’t been why I was crying, but Merlin’s words eased something, eased it enough that I could force a smile.


	3. The Morning After

We ended up in Merlin’s bed. I’d known we would. I think Merlin had known, too. I think she’d intended it. The sex was… not as bad as it could have been. She made an effort to do things that she seemed to think I would enjoy, and I managed to pretend that I did.

It’s not exactly that I didn’t, though. It’s that pleasure in anything with Merlin was too dangerous. Part of me was always aware of what might come next. Even when he intended kindness, we were on a knife edge because it was purely his whim. Also, I never forgot that he could-- would-- use anything against me, anything at all.

I knew that something had changed in Merlin’s head, but I had no idea what that change meant. Maybe something good. Maybe not. And maybe it wouldn’t last.

I managed to sleep, after, in spite of the unfamiliar bed and unfamiliar surroundings. I was sufficiently exhausted which made the whole thing easier. Merlin always liked it when I relaxed and slept next to him, so I’d had a lot of practice, but I’m not sure that would have mattered if I hadn’t been done in.

I dreamed about my mother, about babies, and about traveling in Shadow. I usually tried hard not to remember my dreams because I had no control over where they took me and what they brought to my mind. In this case, though, I made myself look at the bits about babies. Merlin hadn’t said exactly what the expiration was on her offer, but I had the impression that she wasn’t going with the right now or not at all that she’d originally told me.

But she might, and a child with someone else might be safer for both me and the child. If Merlin decided to ignore a child like that, he wouldn’t feel particularly guilty about it, so things wouldn’t get worse for me because of it. And he wouldn’t send a child who wasn’t his to his family in the Courts of Chaos.

Merlin was still asleep. I probably could have killed her before Ghostwheel could stop me. Probably. But, if I did, Ghostwheel wouldn’t forgive me, and I suspected that his boundaries, in terms of what he was willing to do, were more… flexible than Merlin’s. My odds of escaping Ghostwheel were even worse than my odds of escaping Merlin.

And now, there was Martin. He’d probably kill me eventually, but he’d take long enough about it that, by the end, I wouldn’t remember Merlin-- or anything else-- at all.

I looked at the door that I assumed led to the rest of the building. I longed to open it and step through. More to show myself that I could than because I thought it led anywhere that would help me. I was pretty sure that Merlin hadn’t bothered to lock it. She knew there was nowhere for me to go.

I wondered what she’d do to me if I left. I closed my eyes. She’d probably be pleased because she hadn’t thought I had that in me, not any more. If I did it just for that, would she guess? 

But, really, I didn’t have that in me, so I slipped out of bed to use the toilet, came back, and lay down again. All I could do was wait for Merlin.

I’m not sure how long she took to wake. At least this time she didn’t react as if I might be a threat. I suppose it’s that my arms weren’t around her. 

She opened her eyes and turned to look at me. “Did you sleep well?”

I nodded. Even if I hadn’t slept at all, I’d have nodded.

“Did you try the door?” She sounded only mildly curious, but there was that overlay of sadness again that I didn’t quite understand.

I glanced at the door then away. I swallowed hard and shook my head.

She stroked my cheek. “It would be okay.”

I couldn’t look at her. “I’m sorry.”

“No, don’t be.” She sighed and flattened her hand along the side of my face. “I’ve known since… You didn’t even try to Shadow shift the day we went to the beach. It wouldn’t have worked, but you didn’t try.”

I licked my lips. “Ghostwheel.” I didn’t think I needed to say more. But really, it hadn’t occurred to me to try. I probably wouldn’t have if I’d thought of it, and Ghostwheel would have been why, but I hadn’t even thought of it.

“Ah. Yes.” She didn’t say more for a while. “If Ghostwheel or I actually wanted power, I suppose a lot of people would have reason to be afraid. I think we’re about two years from bringing the first of Ghostwheel’s siblings online. We’re taking longer on them than I did on him because we can’t rely on chance. There were a lot of things I didn’t think of with Ghostwheel. We got lucky all around.”

And Merlin didn’t trust luck any more. 

I was pretty sure I ought to say something about Ghostwheel’s siblings, but I couldn’t think of anything. I’d somehow always known that Merlin would create more of whatever Ghostwheel was. He wouldn’t be Merlin if he didn’t. I was mostly surprised that he hadn’t already done it.

It wasn’t going to make a damned bit of difference to me.

“I am going to have one of them able to track Pattern potential. They’ll all be different, but at least one will be able to do that. I’m not sure what I’ll do with the information.” She hesitated for a moment. “Or what my children will choose to do with that information. I’m not going to give them orders.”

“I think… Ghostwheel could tell you what sort of parent you’d be.” I wasn’t entirely sure why I was saying that. It took about thirty seconds for my conscious mind to catch up with what my instincts about Merlin had already told me. When it did, I was terrified because I was sure this wasn’t a safe topic.

“We’re not talking about that.” Each word was hard and precise.

“Yes, Merlin.” I couldn’t exactly bare my throat to her because it was always bared now, but I would have if I could have.

She sat up. She looked down at me, and I couldn’t read her expression. “I’m going to shower.” She smiled and ran a finger along my collarbone. I was sure she was going to tell me to come with her, but she didn’t. Instead, she narrowed her eyes and said, “I could.”

I went completely still. I had no idea what she meant, but her sounding both tempted and repelled couldn’t indicate anything good for me.

“But I won’t.” She seemed to be saying it more to herself than to me. She stretched then said, “If you want food, you can ask Ghostwheel or… There’s a phone in the next room. If you push the third button along the bottom, it will connect with the kitchen.” She got up and left the room without a backward glance.

I gave myself a few moments to curl in tightly and pretend that nothing around me was real.

“I don’t understand.” Ghostwheel’s voice in my ear startled me enough that my body jerked in response.

Whatever it was, I doubted I could explain. Ghostwheel really didn’t understand bodies or helplessness or… He knew how it all worked but only from observation. So I tried to put him off. “Merlin--”

“Is showering. I think he’s crying. I want to know why.”

Well fuck. I sat up. “I don’t really understand either. She’s sad about something.” Something I was doing or not doing, but I wasn’t going to admit that, not to Ghostwheel. “Maybe it’s because Martin’s gone.” I really hoped Ghostwheel would accept that.

“Yeah. No. He was fine until he went to your rooms.”

Would Ghostwheel realize if Merlin was unhappy? Unfortunately, probably yes. Ghostwheel watched Merlin now as if the universe would end if he missed something. I sighed. “I don’t really understand, either. Something’s changed, and I don’t know what. I just…” I hunched my shoulders. “Life is better for me when Merlin is happy, so it’s not something I’m doing deliberately.”

“Yeah.” Ghostwheel didn’t sound satisfied. “I thought that giving him you would make him happy. It kind of helped. Maybe. But he’s not happy. What did I do wrong?”

“Nothing.” I was pretty sure of that. “He’s… He doesn’t know what he wants, but he adores you.”

“Then why am I not enough? I love him. I’ll protect him. I’ll go anywhere with him.”

But Ghostwheel couldn’t touch Merlin. I wasn’t going to say that, though. “He needs more than one person. I think… Is there anything you want? Anything that isn’t dedicated to Merlin?”

Ghostwheel was silent. “I-- I’m programmed to be curious, so I want to understand and explore. But I’m working on that. I can give Merlin my attention, too.”

“I think Merlin would be very pleased if you found things that you wanted to do, things he didn’t suggest.” I had no idea what Ghostwheel did with his time. I stared at my knees. “Maybe… If people don’t make sense, there are people all over. You can find people doing the sorts of things you’re curious about and…” Observe? Manipulate? Damned if I knew. I tried to think what a Trump based AI could do. “Maybe… Can you make-- What’s the word? Peripherals? Extensions of yourself for interacting with the physical world?”

“Don’t you consider that a risk?”

I didn’t pretend to misunderstand. “You don’t actually want to hurt me. All three of us know that. You’re not going to protect me from Merlin, but that’s different.” Ghostwheel might hurt someone, just to see what it was like, but I really didn’t think it would be me. “And, if you did, you’d risk misjudging and killing me.”

“Merlin said I could if I wanted to.”

Hurt me or kill me? I wasn’t going to ask.

“Before…” Ghostwheel sounded hesitant. “You seemed to want this. You wanted it, and he wanted it, so I brought you here.”

I couldn’t answer. I’d been a fool. I changed the subject. “Would it upset you if Merlin had a biological child?” Ghostwheel feeling threatened and jealous was a risk I hadn’t considered to possibly having a child with Merlin.

“I… don’t know.” Ghostwheel was silent for a while. Then he went on, “I’m not jealous of the twins.”

But Merlin hadn’t chosen to have them, and they weren’t here. Merlin wasn’t building a relationship with them.

“Are you jealous of Martin?” I didn’t see any point in asking if he was jealous of me. I was pretty sure he wasn’t. That might only be because Merlin didn’t treat me like a person, but it might also be because Ghostwheel understood more than I gave him credit for.

“...yes.” The word was so small and quiet that I almost couldn’t hear it.

“Ah.” There wasn’t much to say to that. “I can’t make you not be.”

“I could. I can change that bit of my programming.”

That sounded a lot like he was thinking of doing brain surgery on himself. “You don’t know what else that might change.”

“That’s why I haven’t done it.” He sounded as if that hurt, too.

So all three of us were fucked up and unstable. It hadn’t occurred to me before that Ghostwheel would be, too, but I supposed it made sense. He was the only one of his kind, and even Merlin didn’t understand how Ghostwheel perceived things. 

I wondered if there was any way I could use it. There probably was, but keeping up with Merlin was so hard that I’d never had the energy to try to understand Ghostwheel. It had been enough that he wasn’t actively cruel to me.

But Merlin had said that Ghostwheel could ask him to be kinder and he would.

I closed my eyes for a moment and rubbed my temples. When I looked at the tiny bit of spinning fire that was Ghostwheel, I forced myself to smile. “Merlin loves you. I don’t think anything will ever-- could ever-- change that. Even if you left and never came back, he still would.” I was completely certain of that. “I never realized how lonely he was, and I should have.” I tried to remember why I hadn’t.

Maybe he hadn’t been lonely when we were friends. When he thought we were friends.

My fingers dug into the sheets. “Does he have Julia somewhere here?” Ghostwheel had said I was the only one, the only prisoner, but…

“He never mentions Julia. Not even once.” Ghostwheel was silent for a moment. “I could probably find her. If you think he might want her.”

I considered that, turned it over and over in my head. “She tried very hard to kill him, but…” Merlin, by his definitions, had betrayed her first. That actually might matter. “If he treated her the way he treats me, she would die very, very quickly.” I didn’t think that was why Merlin hadn’t done it. It probably had more to do with him not considering Julia to be real.

Did I think Julia was real?

“Mandor might have her.”

I started then stared at Ghostwheel. “Who?” The name sounded vaguely familiar in a way that made my belly tighten.

“Merlin’s older brother. The Lord of House Sawall. He said he would deal with Jurt. Julia was probably with Jurt.”

Oh. Oh. I looked at my knees and tried to keep my breathing steady. Mother had told me to stay far, far away from Merlin’s mother, her husband, and her step-son. Mandor was the step-son and the one my mother had considered the most dangerous-- powerful and viciously vengeful. Mandor would consider Julia an enemy, a trivial one most likely, but an enemy. Because she was, because she had chosen to be. Her relationship with Jurt would be no protection at all.

Would Merlin care?

“Do you-- Do you have anywhere you could stash someone without telling Merlin, without him finding out? You probably don’t want her running around and… doing whatever she’s doing, but I think Merlin wouldn’t want her dead. If he did, she would be.” And, if he wanted her here, she would be. That turned my stomach, more because I didn’t want to share a cell with Julia than because I couldn’t face what Merlin might do to her.

Ghostwheel didn’t answer. He didn’t vanish, but he didn’t say anything.

After a moment, I made myself look at the real cause of my nausea. When I spoke, it was the barest whisper. “Ghostwheel, please, does Mandor have my mother?” Was she even alive? Merlin had said she was, but-- Would he lie about something like that? He prided himself on not lying to me, so he never actually saw it when he did, but that-- I couldn’t see how he could convince himself that he hadn’t lied, not if she was dead.

And would it be better if she was dead than if Mandor had her?

“Your mother is not, to my knowledge, anywhere in Sawallways.” Ghostwheel’s tone was very formal and precise, and I didn’t trust it. “She is not in any of the allied Ways or Shadows. I don’t know if Mandor is looking for her. He hasn’t asked me to help.” He hesitated for a moment then went on, “Dara doesn’t know. Merlin didn’t want her to.”

I swallowed hard. I was pretty sure that Ghostwheel was stepping carefully around the truth. Could I handle knowing? Would I even remember later on? Remembering was dangerous, and I’d gotten good at not letting myself do it. I covered my face with my hands. It really wasn’t as if I hadn’t known.

But Merlin wasn’t going to tell me, and apparently Ghostwheel wouldn’t either. I wondered if Martin would. I wondered if I could bear to ask. “Please,” I said after a moment, “let me know when Merlin’s coming out. I--” I shook my head as I rocked back and forth. “Please. I need to be able to smile.”

Ghostwheel did tell me when Merlin was coming back. He gave me about two minutes notice, and that was enough. I hadn’t actually cried, so all I needed was a convincing smile to welcome her back.

As she came into the room, she finished twisting her hair up in a towel. She studied my face for a moment and said, “No food?”

She did actually look as if she’d been crying which surprised me. Merlin wouldn’t normally let me see that sort of weakness. I was terrified that it meant that Merlin was losing whatever control he had had before. If the control went, the limits went, and I would-- Well, I probably wouldn’t die, but I was pretty sure that even the scraps of self that I’d kept would evaporate.

I smiled. “I’ve been trying to work out if the furniture is really alive.” It was completely not true, but I hoped she’d believe it. It was the sort of thing that Luke-from-college might have done. “Also, I wasn’t quite sure what you wanted.” Guessing wrong probably wouldn’t have repercussions, but my shoulders tightened.

And I was unsure about more than just what food she might want. She wanted something from me, and instead of beating me when I didn’t give it, she went into the shower and cried. I didn’t want a beating or any other punishment, but I’d have understood it. She didn’t seem to want any of the things she usually wanted, so past experience wasn’t helping.

I was going to have to ask and just hope that the response wasn’t terrible. “Merlin--” I looked at my hands. “If I know what you want, I’ll try like hell. I will.” I glanced up at her face for a fraction of a second then fixed my eyes on my hands again.

She sat on the bed next to me. “I know.” Her hands were gentle on my arm. “That’s… not what I want right now. I’m trying to remember who you are, and that whatever-Merlin-wants gets in the way.”

My chest felt tight. “You don’t like who I really am.”

“I liked-- loved-- Luke Reynard a hell of a lot.” She leaned her head against my back. I could feel the damp towel that held her hair. “It’s… Everything with Rinaldo was--” She shook her head without lifting it.

“They’re both me.” They weren’t, not any more, but Merlin wanted me to be who I was. That was going to be a lot harder than smiling at the right times or fighting not to scream when he-- It would be hard.

“I think I knew Luke at his best and Rinaldo at his worst.”

“I remember more about being Luke with you than about… well.” I shrugged. That, I knew, had more to do with that time being easy to separate out from all of the things that hurt than it did with it being important to me or to Merlin. It was important, hugely so, but I remembered parts of my early childhood fairly clearly, too, and Merlin didn’t give a damn about that. 

I just didn’t always remember my mother’s face or my father’s name.

She started rubbing my back. “I understood, even at the time, why you fucked me. I just never-- Why did you beat me?”

I stiffened. Merlin hadn’t asked me that before, not directly. “Please,” I said. I couldn’t think of a convincing lie, and I was pretty sure she wasn’t going to let me get away with not answering. If my mother was dead, it didn’t matter. If Mandor had her, it didn’t matter.

Merlin’s hands stilled. “Oh.” She sounded as if she’d suddenly understood something, and my chest tightened. “Jasra always thought I had too much influence over you.”

I shuddered and squeezed my eyes closed. I hadn’t said it. At least I hadn’t said it. “Would you have believed me?” It was the barest whisper.

“If you’d told me then, maybe. Probably even. I knew her that well. Once you were here… I don’t know.”

Which meant probably not. If I’d said it, Merlin would have thought I was trying to escape punishment. She believed me now, but I kind of doubted that it meant anything. “It doesn’t matter. It probably never did.”

She sighed and didn’t move for several seconds. “You’d die if I let you go and not just because Martin would kill you.”

“I’m not as strong as you are,” I admitted.

She laughed. It sounded like it hurt. She pulled back, took the towel off her head, and dropped it on the floor. “I was trying much harder to… to destroy you than you were me.” She inhaled audibly. “That was almost worse, you know. It was as if I didn’t matter in the slightest. I could have been anybody.”

Ah. Merlin had never given me any cause to doubt that I mattered. Whatever else, I’d always known that I had his attention, that the whole thing was about me being me.

Except that I wasn’t any more.

“I wouldn’t have given a damn about what happened to someone who wasn’t you.” I was more than a little surprised that he hadn’t realized that. I made myself look at that time. I shuddered. “She actually kind of liked you,” I told him quietly. “If… She had started to forget that you mattered to me. If I hadn’t come back when I did--” I couldn’t finish.

Merlin didn't say anything immediately. She exhaled audibly, sounding as if she were letting something go. “It doesn't matter now.” She put a hand on my back. “We'll make ourselves crazy with what ifs and not change a thing.”

As if either of us were sane any longer.

I closed my eyes. I could tell she was trying not to be cruel, but I couldn't find it in me to trust that. Her wanting things to be different didn't make them so.

But her wanting anything would make me turn myself inside out trying to provide it.

I let my shoulders sag. “Please,” I said. “Please, Merlin.” That was as close as I wanted to get to asking again what she wanted.

“I don’t actually know, Luke. I… Anything I want, any change, is a risk. For both of us. Mand-- Someone I know said that I need to find the sharp edges and the broken places and… compensate. I keep thinking that things will be better if I-- Well. Yes.” She moved her hand up along my shoulder to my neck. “I think… I think I would like things to be better for you.” Her fingers curled against my skin. “I just don’t know.”

I wondered if I should let Merlin lie to herself that way. I wondered if I had enough strength not to. “What does that mean?” I was a little surprised that my voice didn’t break.

She sighed, and I could almost hear her considering telling me to turn to face her. But she didn’t say it. “I don’t suppose it means much. Not to you. Not now. Anything I do or don’t do is all me.”

She was lying to herself a little less than I’d thought. I inhaled slowly, held my breath for a second, and took a gamble. “Hope is crueler than the worst beating.”

She pulled back until she was no longer touching me. “I know. I can see why you’ve given it up.” She stood and moved to her dresser.

I could see her out of the corner of my eye. All she pulled out was clothing, and she tossed some of it at me.

“Shower if you want. No need to hurry.”

It was a clear dismissal, so I gathered up the clothing and went. I let myself cry in the shower. I was pretty sure that Ghostwheel wouldn’t tell Merlin, and I badly needed the release. Having a little distance from Merlin, physically, gave my terror space to surface. There might actually be opportunities here for me to affect my future, but I wasn’t sure any longer that I could get myself to do anything but wait for whatever Merlin might do.

After a while, I pulled myself together enough to say, “Ghostwheel--” I knew he was watching. He was always watching. “Please, do you know what Merlin wants from me? If I know, I’ll try. I will. I really will.”

Ghostwheel manifested as a spinning wheel of light about the size of a large apple. “I think… I think he wants his friend back.”

Oh. I closed my eyes and leaned my forehead against the side of the shower enclosure. That was probably the one thing I couldn’t do. Even Merlin had to realize that that was impossible. “What will he do when-- if-- I can’t?” I didn’t bother trying to hide my pain and fear.

“I don’t think he expects it to happen. He wants it, but he knows it can’t.” Ghostwheel sounded like he was trying to be reassuring. He didn’t say anything further for several seconds. “I won’t let him hurt you for that.”

My eyes went wide, and I took a step backward. I shook my head, more in disbelief than because I didn’t want his protection.

“I don’t think hurting you for it makes him getting what he wants more likely.”

That made more sense. It was about Merlin rather than about me. “Are you sure you’ll be able to tell?” Questioning Ghostwheel was safer than questioning Merlin.

“I can tell.” Ghostwheel sounded certain enough that I didn’t dare question it.

Instead, I asked, “Is Merlin ready for me to come out?”

“He’s eating. There’s a place set for you. Not in the bedroom, in the room through the door.”

I nodded and turned off the water. I dried myself and dressed. When I emerged into the bedroom, the other door was ajar. I took a deep breath and squared my shoulders before heading through.

Merlin didn’t look up from her plate as I came in. The table was large enough for several people, but the plate I assumed was intended for me lay quite close to Merlin’s. There was even a chair for me. This room was different from the bedroom in terms of decor. There was more stone, a thick carpet covered the floor, and the walls were hung with tapestries. 

I considered the room as I sat and began to eat. I didn’t think Merlin had put as much effort into making this space truly his. Not that the furniture and such didn’t reflect his taste, but I suspected it was his public face. Possibly his bedroom was more who he really was while this room was what he showed his father’s relatives.

I wondered what it meant that he felt like he needed a public face even here.

Merlin didn’t say anything until I finished eating. Once she had finished, she occupied herself by changing her napkin into different things-- flowers, little stick figures that danced around the table, cloth of a different color than the original napkin. I had known that Merlin could do such things, but he almost never bothered in my company.

I could probably do something similar. I had learned sorcery and conjuration. I just hadn’t used either since Merlin kidnapped me because there hadn’t been a moment when the risk of him taking the possibility away had seemed worth the momentary effect. Neither power worked in the maze, and I remembered the cuffs we’d put on him. I couldn’t imagine that such a thing was beyond his ability to replicate.

If I’d used sorcery to kill Merlin-- and I could have-- Ghostwheel would have done far worse to me than Merlin ever did. I’d mostly thought about using either sorcery or conjuration to kill myself. I just never quite got to the point of doing it. Of being able to do it.

When I set down my fork, Merlin said, “I do want a child. It doesn’t have to be yours. It can be, but unlike you, I have many other options.” She turned toward me and brushed gentle fingers along my cheek. “That’s a genuine choice. No penalties.”

I swallowed hard. “Why not Martin?” That wasn’t what I’d meant to ask.

She met my eyes then looked at the far wall. “He’s the one relative I absolutely don’t dare have a child with. Well, and his father, but I wouldn’t do that to Aunt Vialle.” She frowned. “My bloodlines and his? Someone-- everyone-- would assume it was a ploy for the throne. The poor kid would start off in more trouble than I ever was.”

I looked at my plate and didn’t say anything.

“If I went to relatives on that side… Well. Not Benedict. He might recognize me even as a woman. Julian and Gerard would require actually going to Amber. So I suppose it would be Bleys. He’s usually wandering. There are ways I could conceive with female relatives, but they’d likely think something was odd when I… gathered the necessary material. Well, perhaps Fiona wouldn’t. She has at least two children in the Courts that I’m quite sure she doesn’t know about.”

Part of me wanted very badly to follow Merlin into speculation about the challenges of seducing relatives, but I knew that was a distraction. I closed my eyes. “I want a child,” I admitted. “But I don’t know if… That would be a new sort of hurt.” I opened my eyes and looked at her. “You would never let the child know me. You couldn’t. Not unless you wanted to explain--” I shook my head and clenched my hands into fists. “I don’t think you’d want any child to know about me.” I tried to find the detachment from idea that I’d felt earlier. It hadn’t hurt then. It hadn’t been real then.

It was still a good idea on a cold bloodedly pragmatic level.

She didn’t say anything. I could see conflict in her expression. 

I had no idea what that meant for me, so I looked away. “If you’re going to have a child with anybody, you need to talk to Ghostwheel first.”

She didn’t answer, but after a few more seconds, she said, “I want-- I want things to be different enough that you can have that.” Her voice became firmer as she spoke, and I wondered if it meant she’d reached a decision.

Any change was going to be entirely in Merlin’s hands, so I didn’t even turn to look at her.

“We have some time,” she said. “At least a year before Martin comes back and quite likely longer. A week in Amber is about fourteen months here.”

She had said that Martin might not go to Amber. I remembered that. I didn’t think that saying it would benefit me in any way, so I didn’t remind her.

“I think we need to figure some things out before Martin returns.”

I got the impression that she wanted something from me. I just couldn’t imagine what. I’d do whatever she told me to. Did she want me to say that? I forced my hands and shoulders to relax. “Yes, Merlin.” It was the barest whisper.

“Do you remember-- from... before-- what you liked and didn’t?”

She meant sexually. I wasn’t going to pretend to misunderstand that. It meant that Merlin still planned to fuck me which-- Well, I hadn’t ever thought that he might stop, not unless he was going to kill me. Now, I wondered what it would be like not to. Then I smashed the thought flat and pushed the shards of it back into the depths of my mind. I didn’t actually remember, but it didn’t matter. I could make something up and pretend it was true.

I could spend the rest of my life lying to Merlin. I had been expecting to anyway.

She put a hand on my shoulder and squeezed lightly. “I don’t need to know right this second. Maybe you could make some lists?”

I nodded. I licked my lips. “If Ghostwheel says he wants a human sibling, then--” I had to stop to breathe and steady myself. “If he’s okay with it, then I’m willing.” I made myself look at Merlin. “A daughter? Could we have a daughter? No one expects a daughter to chase a throne or enact revenge or--” I slumped a little. I’d said much more than I meant to.

“Look at me, Luke.”

I turned and fixed my eyes on her.

“My child will be like me. Not male. Not female. Able to be either sometimes. I won’t limit a child of mine that way. I couldn’t stop Jasra doing it.” 

There was a vast bitterness and anger in that that made me flinch. 

“You didn’t do that, Luke. It’s all right.” Her smile only looked a little forced. “They’re young enough that they might still learn. Mother will certainly try to teach them.”

I nodded and forced myself to breathe again.

“Can you love a child that’s yours but only sometimes human?” She studied my face.

My mind was blank, and I just stared at her. She obviously wanted a response. I was pretty sure there was only one acceptable answer. I opened my mouth.

She put a finger across my lips to stop me speaking. “Give it a little time. An honest answer matters. I won’t punish you if you think you can’t do it.” She gave a laugh that was only a little forced. “I won’t go after Bleys, either. He wouldn’t say yes if he knew, and I’m not willing to have a child who will find out someday that-- It’s too damned ugly.”

Merlin was speaking from experience. However things had been between his parents, it grieved him. I wondered how things stood between him and Corwin given, well, the givens.

“I can think of two or three people from the Courts who might be willing, but they’d be… an added complication.” She shrugged and stood up. “Are you still hungry? More food is easy.”

More food was always easy-- unless Merlin wanted to be cruel-- but I accepted the change of subject. “More coffee would be nice. And some fruit.” I didn’t think it actually mattered what I asked for as long as I asked for something.

I ate and drank, showing as much appreciation as I could, but I was relieved when I finished and Merlin sent me back to my prison. I wanted very badly to curl up and pretend none of my recent conversations with Merlin had happened. I knew, however, that Ghostwheel was watching and might tell Merlin.

I ended up going back to my painting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this will be complete in one more chapter, but stories have surprised me before. I have some other things I want to work on before I start chapter 4 of this.


	4. Facing the Past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I give up. I have no idea how much longer this will be. At least one more chapter. Maybe more. Maybe not.

Making a list of things that I thought I could pretend to enjoy, sexually speaking, was a lot harder than I expected. The things I liked best were the moments when Merlin wasn’t hurting me, but those weren’t the things that turned me on. I just didn’t have any desire at all to be turned on. Merlin liked me hard when he played with me, so fear, pain, shame, and helplessness got me hard. 

Merlin hadn’t punished me when my body simply couldn’t do what he asked, not as long as I tried. I never understood that part. He wanted to hurt me, so why not then? At first, it had bothered me that I didn’t understand, but I rapidly reached the point of not caring. It wasn’t as if I wanted things to be worse.

Still, Merlin holding me was definitely what I liked best, and I didn’t hate kisses. They were generally a respite. I always hoped Merlin would have me blow him because, most of the time, he let me have some control. Sometimes he just wanted to feel me choke and start to struggle when his cock went deep, but more often, he wanted to see how eager I could be.

Chains and cuffs and whatever else Merlin used to restrain me, those weren’t actually so bad. I could say I liked those. They kept me from hurting myself. They kept me from doing a lot of things when I was in agony that would have gotten me sent back to the maze.

The maze was the only thing on the no, please, absolutely not section of my list. Putting it there didn’t give anything away. I could bear almost anything else. There might be other things I’d try to say no to, but I wasn’t actually sure that I could sustain that. 

Merlin wasn’t likely to ask me to hurt or kill children. Or anyone else for that matter. There weren’t many people I cared about enough for it to really hurt, and the only ones I was sure were alive were people Merlin loved, too. Our friends from Earth, except for Julia, were probably safe. My brother and sister, Merlin’s children, were definitely safe. My mother-- Well, I knew, not certainly, but I knew.

And the servants were safe. They trusted Merlin. They were loyal. Merlin wouldn’t betray that. I couldn’t remember for sure, but I thought I might have done something to Merlin’s servants while he was my prisoner. I had never been as kind as Merlin.

And Merlin wasn’t kind, so I must have been a hell of a nasty bastard.

I spent a while curled up in a corner after working through that. I needed the world to go away, and I couldn’t bring myself to care that Ghostwheel would tell Merlin. But no one came to prod me into activity or to force me to eat, and later, when I was ready to sleep, Ghostwheel gave me something to help. I was completely exhausted, but I don’t think I’d have slept otherwise.

Merlin stayed away for almost five days. Usually, a gap that long meant he’d left the Shadow, but I suspected that, this time, it didn’t. This time, he was as afraid as I was, not for the same reasons, of course, but still. I think he knew that, if he visited, my lists and my decision about a child would all become whatever I thought he wanted.

He was right.

I was avoiding thinking about the question of a child because I wasn’t actually sure that I could love anyone, not any more. The idea of a child, yes, I could love that, but loving an actual child, interacting with an actual child-- I was pretty sure I was too broken for that. I wouldn’t have anything available to give.

I wanted to be able to. It had been a long time since I had wanted anything quite that badly. Usually, I managed not to want anything at all. It hurt less. And that was a problem. Thinking about a child cut me deeply and kept cutting.

Eventually, I started talking to Ghostwheel. “Is Merlin serious about letting me see the child? If there is one, I mean.”  I wasn’t sure if Ghostwheel had decided yet what he thought on the subject.

“Probably.” 

I could almost hear the shrug in his voice.

He didn’t say anything else for a moment. “I think… Clayre and Gramble helped him stay sane. He wants that for you.”

Those weren’t the names my mother had given them. I was nearly certain of that. “I think it’s too late.” I knew it was too late. I rubbed my face. “I wouldn’t knowingly hurt a child. Mine or not. Human or not. Will that be enough?”

“It would have been for me. I… don’t know about anyone else.”

Yeah, asking him was worse than asking Merlin. I closed my eyes and took a couple of slow breaths. When I opened my eyes, I knew what I needed. “Please, will you tell Merlin-- I think talking to Sibyl might help.” But I’d probably have to tell her things she didn’t know and to confirm things she pretended not to know. She’d treated every injury I’d had that wouldn’t heal rapidly on its own. She knew.

I think she also knew how little there was left of me. I didn’t want either of us to admit it, and I was going to have to.

Would Merlin want me talking to her? He never admitted to her that he was responsible for my injuries. He never denied it, of course. He just didn’t address it at all.

She never asked, not him and not me. I think she occasionally asked Ghostwheel questions when she needed more information to know how to treat me, but she did it privately, not where I could hear.

I didn’t actually want to talk to her about this, but my other choices were worse. I’m pretty sure that Xera and Gian actually worshipped Merlin. I don’t think he realized that. They were kind to me because he told them to be, and they did like me, but I was pretty sure either one of them would slit my throat if they thought it would please him.

Sibyl might kill me, but it wouldn’t be because Merlin was a god. She thought he was, but she considered her service a transaction, an exchange for his protection of her people. She wouldn’t tell me-- or Merlin-- what he wanted to hear, not unless it was also true. I trusted her for that.

Merlin came before Sibyl did. He gave me a little warning by having Ghostwheel deliver food for two when I asked for dinner, so I wasn’t entirely surprised when he joined me at the table. 

I was afraid, of course, but I didn’t let him see it because he hated me being afraid when he was pretending to be kind. I smiled at him, instead, and mentioned that the fish smelled appetizing.

He smiled back and, while we ate, told me about importing the species and getting some of his people to farm it. There were a lot of details that he obviously found fascinating, some technical challenges, too.

I nodded and tried to commit it all to memory. He might never bring it up again, but if he did… I also tried to eat lightly enough that, if things got unpleasant later on, I probably wouldn’t vomit. In the mood he was in, Merlin wouldn’t like that.

After about fifteen minutes, he lay down his fork. He studied my face. “Are you actually not hungry?”

I thought, based on his tone, that he knew I was. Or, at least, had been before he arrived. I looked down at the table. There was no safe answer, not even silence. “Merlin--”

He interrupted me. “I’m not going to hurt you tonight, Luke.”

I tried not to let my relief show. Experience said that, even if he wanted to hurt me later in the evening, he wouldn’t, not after saying that. There’d be no safety tomorrow, but that was tomorrow. I forced myself to look at him, to nod and to smile.

He frowned minutely. He looked more sad than angry. He sighed. “If there’s some other food you’d like better, we can do that.”

I shrugged then shook my head. “This is fine.”

He looked away. “Ghostwheel tells me you’ve been working on those lists.”

I poked at the rosemary potatoes and tried to come up with a way to avoid answering. There really wasn’t one, so I nodded and hoped he wouldn’t ask for details.

“Would it help--” He took a deep breath and paused for a moment. 

I wasn’t sure if he was searching for words or working to force them out. That probably should have worried me more than it did.

“Luke.” His voice was gentle but still commanding.

I fixed my eyes on his face.

He brushed fingers along my jaw, the first time he’d touched me all evening.

Why hadn’t I noticed that before?

“I’ll make a list first. You can just tell me what you think of each item.” He smiled as if at a private joke. “Zero to five, maybe? Can you do that? If you can’t, we’ll-- I’ll-- figure something out.”

A list from him would tell me what he thought this would look like, so I nodded.

He pulled my head toward him and kissed me on the forehead. He was still smiling when he released me, but it looked strained. “I may not listen to what you say. I want to, but I-- I don’t seem to be very good at this.”

By which he meant that he’d gotten used to indulging his whims. I nodded again. If I disagreed, he’d know I was lying. For a moment, I desperately wanted comfort from someone, anyone at all, who wasn’t Merlin. I forced a smile in the hope that it would keep me from crying.

The sound he made wasn’t really a laugh. “There have been-- are-- things I wanted to do that… There have always been things I won’t do.”

I had known that. I hadn’t wanted to think about it, not once I realized what he would do. I wanted to look away, but I didn’t dare. I didn’t dare move at all.

He still wanted to. I was an expert in what Merlin wanted.

I licked my lips. “Why not?” The words came out as the barest whisper.

“I knew you’d survive longer if I didn’t.” There was something approaching apology in his voice. “I… realized early that I wanted you as much as I wanted to hurt you. I didn’t… Somehow I missed that meaning that I love you.” He touched my face again. “I didn’t expect how much I enjoyed all of this. I wanted you not to enjoy it, but I did. I do.”

I leaned into his hand and closed my eyes. None of that was news to me.

The fingers of his other hand brushed my lips. “I’m not entirely stupid. I know-- I know you’re not the person I fell for, not any more. I know, too, that that’s on me.” He sighed. “You’re very good at acting like him. Is it-- Do you actually think I’m that much of a bastard to… do worse to you because you’ve changed?”

I did. I knew he was exactly that sort of bastard. I felt tears coming, and I had no idea how he was going to react to them.

“I’m not trying to change you back,” he said after a moment. “I can’t even change myself back. I can’t. You can’t. Even children of Amber can’t turn back time, and that’s what it would take.” He hesitated then asked, “Would this be easier if I weren’t touching you?”

I gave that about three seconds, as if I were actually thinking about it, then shook my head minutely.

“I do want you. You, Luke, not who you used to be. I think I always will.” He sounded like he believed it.

But always is a very long time. I couldn’t stop a shudder. I opened my eyes in time to see him pull his hands back.

He inhaled sharply and studied my face. “Fuck. If I touch you right now, I’m going to--” He shook his head. “I promised you. I promised myself.”

So maybe his promise not to hurt me tonight wasn’t going to hold. I remained as still as I could. I think some part of me hoped that might be protection.

“I think this is the point at which my father would leave and go find someone to kill.” He turned so he wasn’t looking at me any more. “I’ve discovered that I like that, too. I’d call myself an assassin, but that would imply getting paid or having a cause I believe in.”

I wondered if he just killed or if he tortured first. I couldn’t ask. If I did, he might answer.

“Do you ever want that? If you do, I… I might let you.” His lips twisted. “It would be a way to get out of here for a little while. It also… You would have power, at least a little, for as long as it took.”

I couldn’t tell what he wanted me to say.

“I haven’t told Martin. I don’t intend to. He’d see the political advantages.”

So he knew Martin well enough to know that he wouldn’t automatically disapprove. I was a little surprised that I knew Martin that well. I still had no idea what Merlin wanted me to say. I considered throwing myself at his feet, but I was pretty sure he didn’t want that.

He stood. “Come here.”

I went.

He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me in so that my head rested on his shoulder. “I said I wouldn’t, and I won’t.” He started rubbing my back.

I let myself relax against him. I hesitated for a moment then put my arms around him. I was back on more familiar ground.

The next few hours went about the way I expected. Merlin didn’t hurt me. He didn’t pretend we were lovers, that I had a choice, but he didn’t hurt me physically or go out of his way to humiliate me. It was simply that my body belonged to him.

I belonged to him.

Several times, he made a point of showing that he could have hurt me but was choosing not to. I think he liked the fact that I went still with fear each time. He kept smiling as if I’d given him a gift.

He held me, after. “I don’t entirely understand,” he told me as he stroked my hair. “Why do I care so much about you?”

I wished he wouldn’t. It wasn’t up to me, but I wished he wouldn’t. I pressed my face into his chest and tried not to hear.

“Do you remember how we met?” 

I did. That was more than a little bitter for me because I remembered, too, how I’d set out to catch his attention with intention to betray. I had his attention now, more than I wanted. Except… if I didn’t, I’d be dead.

Or maybe he would be. Maybe I could have killed him then.

I cleared my throat. “Track team.” I didn’t think he really wanted the details. He certainly remembered them better than I did. “I wanted you to notice me.” I felt a little sick as I realized that I’d hoped he’d notice me enough to guess-- not who I was but who I might be. That had been later on. At first I just wanted to meet him. Later, though… Later, I wanted him to see me. Rinaldo-me not Luke Reynard. I felt tears starting.

He didn’t respond for a moment, and I wondered if he was going to ignore my tears. His arms tightened a little. “How old were you then?” He sounded almost morbidly curious.

I wasn’t sure why it mattered, but I remembered him saying something about me being very, very young. Had that been while we were star gazing? It had had something to do with my mother. Was it that, if I was young, it was all more her fault? Could I do that and still bear to look at myself? “I-- I was college age.” How old had he been? “Twenty? Plus or minus.”

“That’s really, really fucking young.” He sighed. “You couldn’t have had anything like the experience to know what you were getting into. Even now… You’re still a child.”

I laughed, the noises wrenching my body. “If I was a child--” We both knew he wouldn’t do the things he did to me to a child.

“Yeah, but it explains a lot.” He ran his fingers along my arm. “Why you didn’t realize I could be dangerous… If you’d been older, if you’d known anything about the Courts. If.” His laugh sounded almost as painful as mine. “The people who brought me up would have done much worse to you for what you did. Mandor gets into I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream territory.”

It took me a moment to place the reference. When I did, I was sure for a moment that I was going to vomit.

Merlin made soothing noises until I calmed a little. “It’s… it’s sort of an art form. It tells everyone else what they’re risking if they… offend you. Being ostentatious about it, well, Mandor can do that as a giant fuck you to anyone who might even consider retaliating when he goes after his enemies. Mother and her husband were more… restrained but not forgiving. Never that.”

He was silent for several seconds. “I’m pretty sure that Jasra knew that. I’m pretty sure that’s why she kept Jurt away from me. Julia… Well, if it had just been Julia, I think Jasra might have enjoyed what Julia might do to a Lord of Chaos, but Jurt might have killed me. If he didn’t, it would have been because he wanted me to suffer longer.” He swallowed audibly. “It wouldn’t have been an easy death.”

Jasra. My attention caught on the name. My mother. I didn’t always remember that she’d had a name beyond ‘Mother.’ Then I processed the rest of what he’d said. She’d known this might happen. She had to have known. She’d never warned me. Why hadn’t she warned me?

I tried to convince myself that she must have, that I’d simply forgotten, but I couldn’t manage to make the lie strong enough to hold. I started sobbing, and I tried to curl in on myself.

Merlin let me. He sat up next to me. “Luke--?”

“Why didn’t she tell me?” Maybe Merlin would know…

He didn’t answer, just rubbed my back.

I realized that he couldn’t think of anything to say that wouldn’t amount to her simply not having loved me that much. If I’d known, I might have challenged her plans. I curled in tighter. I didn’t recognize the sounds coming from my throat as actually being mine.

I don’t know how long that went on or why Merlin let it.

“Luke.” Merlin’s voice was sharp now, demanding. It promised consequences if I didn’t pay attention and do what he wanted, but I was beyond that. He gripped my chin hard enough to bruise and turned my face towards his. He kissed me with enough force to silence me.

When he pulled back, all I could do was stare at him. I had no words. Anything I might say or even think would take me back to things I couldn’t face.

He ran a finger across my lips. “I can distract you, Luke, but I think the things that will work best are the things you will enjoy least.” He sighed. “And even that will only last so long.” He studied my face. “I could drug you, but, again, it will only last so long.”

I couldn’t think of anything he might do that would hurt worse than losing my faith in my mother. It was worse, much worse, than suspecting that my mother was dead. At least, then, I thought she loved me. I couldn’t manage sound, but I mouthed, “Please.” I wasn’t sure what I should be asking him for. Some way not to think at all, I suppose. Either drugs or pain would work.

He pushed my hair off my forehead. “I didn’t mean to do this, you know. I wanted you to have that. Everyone should have someone who loves them. I-- Is there someone I don’t know about, someone I could bring here for you? Not Gail. I don’t think I could-- I don’t want her to see this.”

He valued Gail’s good opinion. I had thought he might. I managed a whisper. “I don’t remember.”

His face told me that he heard the pain in that. “I can’t give that back to you. I would.” He bit his lip as he inhaled. After a moment, he said, “I’m sorry.”

My eyes went wide as the words hit me like a punch in the gut. Merlin never apologized. Never. Not for anything.

“Would it help if I hold you? Here or somewhere else.”

I wanted that. He was all I had to fill the hole inside me, and I wouldn’t survive if that part of me kept bleeding. I nodded, but I couldn’t stop a shudder as he pulled me in close. I kept turning my memories over, digging through them in an effort to find evidence that my mother had loved me. Or that she hadn’t. So much just wasn’t there at all, and I had no idea what went in those gaps.

I must have known. As much as I didn’t remember, it was because I had forced myself to forget, to avoid looking at the past. Trying to tear down my mental walls only made my mind hurt more, and I couldn’t tell if the process would wreck me or save me.

Merlin got us both sitting against the headboard of the bed without letting go of me once. After a few minutes, he said, “She loved-- loves-- you as much as my mother ever loved me. It’s not as much as we might want, as we deserve, but your mother was dealing with… really shitty circumstances. There are a lot of people who’d have killed both of you if they’d known you existed, and she didn’t have her own family, her own power, to fall back on. She didn’t sell you to keep herself safe. There are a lot of people who would have bought, and only one or two of them would have been kind. Most of them would even have kept their end of the bargain.”

That shouldn’t have helped, but it did.


	5. Tea with Sibyl

Sibyl brought me a letter from Merlin. It was sealed with wax and magic and much thicker than I wanted it to be. It could only be Merlin’s list. I didn’t want it at all so I accepted it gingerly and set it aside for later.

She looked tired, and that worried me. I hated the idea that time might take her. I was pretty sure, though, that she’d reject the methods I knew for extending her life. Many people would sell themselves for longer life. I just didn’t think she was one of them.

“Are you hungry?” I asked. Now that she was there, I wasn’t ready to talk to her.

She gave me a sharp look then suggested tea.

We ended up in my dining room with a large pot of tea and a lot of fussy little bits of finger food. The tea was saffron yellow and had a bite and a sweetness that was strange to me. It wasn’t the same sort that Ghostwheel normally gave me. 

“I don’t think we’ve shared a table before,” I commented. She had fed me on more than one occasion, and I’d watched her eat when she’d needed to stay with me longer than a few hours.

“We have not,” she responded with a glance that told me not to put any importance on it. Eating with me wasn’t going to change how she treated me.

I averted my eyes. I’d always known that, even if she could have helped me, she wasn’t going to. “If I’d been able to think of anyone else, I wouldn’t ask this of you.” I had no idea what Merlin had told her.

“Lord Merlin said he wasn’t entirely sure what you wanted.”

I hesitated. I tried to make myself look at her and couldn’t. “There are only four of us who know, and you’re the only one with-- with detachment.”

“Ah.” She poured herself more tea. “Advice, then.”

I couldn’t bring myself to speak for several minutes. She made no effort to prompt me. Eventually, I said, “Things are changing. Merlin’s changing.” I closed my eyes and turned my face away. As if that would help. “How much did he tell you? At the beginning, I mean. Did he tell you why--?” I shook my head.

“He told me that you were brothers and that you had stolen his children. I haven’t asked more.”

Brothers. The word was like a knife. “Not… Brothers in the sense of choosing it. Our fathers were brothers. And enemies. There was a… war that destroyed worlds. My father died. Merlin’s vanished. My mother--” My voice broke. I really didn’t want to think about my mother. “She wanted revenge. She-- we-- couldn’t get at Corwin, so we… went after Merlin.” I wasn’t going to touch the question of Merlin’s children. That was too fraught, too complicated. Then I realized that, without a little explanation, what I needed to ask her wouldn’t make sense. “He-- His children are with his mother now. My mother--” I choked a little. “She’s their mother, too. He says she’s alive, but…” I met her eyes and saw comprehension there. I shrugged.

Neither of us said anything for a while, her because she was waiting and me because what I had already said hurt even more than I expected.

“Merlin-- You know that Merlin is a shapeshifter?”

She nodded. “He has been trying to teach it to some of our people. Some learn a little. Some not. It is easier younger.” She gave a small but genuine laugh. “Like so many things. I suppose that, in a generation or two, everyone will have the knack.”

“I’m not.” I couldn’t quite keep grief out of that.

She set down her cup. “I didn’t know if you couldn’t or if Lord Merlin had taken the ability away.” She met my eyes for a moment then looked at the wall behind me. “If you’d been able to, you would have. You’d have had to.”

I shrugged. She was right, but it wasn’t really something I wanted to explore. “Merlin can be a human woman. She’s as much Merlin as he is when he’s human and male.” I squeezed my cup then forced my fingers to relax. If I shattered the cup, the shards would cut me, and the liquid inside would scald me. I took a deep breath and tried to center myself. “Merlin-- She wants a child.”

Her eyes widened a little before her face settled into serenity again.

“I have a choice. Merlin won’t force that for various reasons. I just…” I swallowed hard. “I don’t know if there’s enough of me left-- Merlin wants me to help raise the child. Do you think-- Can I actually do that? Without hurting the child, I mean.”

Her expression became just a little sad. “I see why you asked me.”

“Merlin thinks I’m worried about the child being a shapeshifter.” I was pretty sure that Sibyl would understand that had very little to do with it. “He may also think that I’m ashamed that a child-- my child-- might figure out--” I waved a hand to indicate the rooms that made up my prison. “That thought makes me kind of sick, but… I’m a long way past shame.” That was a lie. She might know it, but she probably wouldn’t call me on it.

I looked at my hands. “I know Merlin well enough to know that he-- she-- wouldn’t mistreat a child, not ever. I’m not worried about that.” Not even when the child became an adult who could argue and rebel and stand in between Merlin and me.

“You see a door opening. Maybe,” she said softly. “Yes.”

“I don’t know if he sees that part.” I knew Ghostwheel was listening and might tell Merlin, but there was no point in this talk unless I was honest. “If it blindsides him…” I shuddered. “And it will only ever open so far.” I tried to keep bitterness out of my voice. “Merlin might let me go, but if he does, there are other people who will make sure I die almost immediately. Our mutual relatives aren’t numerous, but--” I know my eyes must have reflected the horrors I could imagine. “Most of them are older and more… casually vicious than Merlin is, and not one of them gives a rat’s ass about me.” At least Merlin loved me.

“Lord Merlin has never wavered on wanting you alive.” Her face told me that she knew it was a mixed blessing. All her previous behavior had told me that she understood it, but I was glad to have it confirmed again. She sighed. “You cannot control another person’s choices. Are you worried that you will teach helplessness? Or are you worried that the poison between you and Lord Merlin will be passed on?”

I nodded to both then looked at the table. “I’m not sure if I can love anyone. I want to, but I don’t know.” I might not have room for anything but Merlin. Martin might force his way in, but that was about Merlin, too, so it wasn’t the same.

“Did you ever?”

“I… think so.” I had, hadn’t I? I remembered my father throwing me into the air and laughing when I shrieked in pretend terror. I’d always known he’d catch me. Until the day he didn’t-- couldn’t. Hearing he’d died had been a lot like falling from a great height. I clenched my hands into fists.

She sighed. “I can’t decide for you.” She frowned and shook her head.

I was very sure she had an opinion. “But--?”

“Things may be different for gods.” She hesitated. She knew Ghostwheel was watching, too. “If you were mortal, I’d tell you not to do it. Not because of you.”

It had never occurred to me that she might think I was a god, too.

I wondered if she’d actually say that it would be bad for a child to have parents whose relationship was built on rape, betrayal, and torture. She probably wouldn’t because that would mean criticizing Merlin. She never did that. She also never indicated that she thought I did-- or didn’t-- deserve what Merlin did to me.

I let the silence stretch long enough to be sure she wasn’t going to say anything else. “I need the door.” I spoke softly enough that, if she’d been farther away, she wouldn’t have heard me. I looked away because I didn’t want to see her face. “Merlin said that, if I wanted a child but not with him, Xera probably would be willing.”

“She probably would be.” Sibyl’s response was carefully neutral.

“That seems worse, somehow.” I wondered if Xera thought I was a god, too. Maybe she thought I was a demon.

“Lord Merlin would not harm such a child.” Sibyl didn’t sound as if she thought that was my problem.

I glanced at her then away again. “That’s one thing I don’t fear. Even if he hadn’t promised me.”

“Have you considered a pet? That might answer your question about whether or not you can love. Lord Merlin would not harm such a creature, either.” She sounded less sure on that last sentence than she probably wanted to be.

A pet. A pet would be easier than a baby, less risk. Would Merlin give me a pet? Certainly not anything that might try to protect me from him because he would maim or kill an animal that attacked him. He might intend not to, but he would, and he had to know it. I was sure he’d give me an aquarium if I asked. Somehow, though, I didn’t think I was going to get emotionally attached to an aquarium no matter what was in it.

“When I first met you,” Sibyl said, “I didn’t expect you to live this long.” She wasn’t looking at me, so she didn’t see me shrug. “Past experience suggested that.”

“If you’re asking me to believe you pitied me--” 

She shook her head. “If I had, you’d have died that first time in my care. I don’t pity you now, either.”

I’d known that, so I merely nodded.

“An ordinary person would have died, probably before I got there. Or any one of a dozen times since.”

I didn’t want to look at that. “Our family is hard to kill. It’s possible, and you probably could manage killing me, even right now. Just… The others are tougher than I am.” And Merlin could shapeshift, so killing him was harder still. I cleared my throat and asked a question I really didn’t want to know the answer to. “Am I the only one?” Merlin was a sadist. If I was the only one right now, I probably wouldn’t always be.

She didn’t pretend to misunderstand. “Lord Merlin takes lovers, willing lovers. Beyond that-- Not to my knowledge.”

And that was why she wouldn’t let me die. Without me, there was no knowing what Merlin might do. I squeezed my cup again and focused my eyes on the liquid inside. “He doesn’t betray first.” There was Julia, but that had been carelessness more than anything, so I didn’t think it counted. It wasn’t a mistake Merlin was likely to repeat.

“That is good to know.” She drank deeply then refreshed her cup from the pot. “I think we’re none of us such fools.”

Eventually, someone would be. It might take a generation or three, but someone would piss Merlin off personally, and Merlin would retaliate spectacularly. Then they’d all remember why they thought he was a god. If Merlin wanted to prevent that, he could demonstrate the foolishness of offending him on people who’d murdered or raped or… whatever else his people considered a horrific offense. I just wasn’t sure if that would occur to Merlin.

But it would almost certainly occur to Martin.

I sipped my tea and considered warning Sibyl about Martin. I decided against. Ghostwheel would certainly tell Merlin if I did, and I didn’t owe Sibyl that much.


	6. Black Cats

Merlin gave me two black cats. “I thought one might be lonely,” he explained.

I didn’t respond. It wasn’t as if I was going to leave the creatures alone for prolonged periods. Or maybe Merlin intended that I would? I looked down at the animals. They were sticking close together and exploring the room. “Do they have names?”

“The shelter gave them names, but I thought you’d want to name them.” Merlin shifted his weight from one foot to another. “It’s not like cats come when you call, anyway.”

The shelter. Of course, Merlin went to a shelter. Probably even a shelter on Earth.

“They’re both female, mother and daughter,” Merlin went on. “Apparently no one wants to adopt black cats.”

I wondered how many black cats he’d brought back with him. I couldn’t tell these two apart yet. “I’ll think about names.” I kept my eyes on Merlin. It was possible that he’d simply leave, but it was equally possible that he’d want sex of some sort.

“I got all the supplies that the shelter recommended and a couple of books on what cats need.” Merlin was looking vague and harmless, and it terrified me. “We’ll figure out a supply for food that’s closer to home than Earth is.”

The cats were only a few feet away, so I went down on one knee and pretended that I was trying to coax them closer. I didn’t want to be on my feet if Merlin lashed out.

One of the cats was slightly larger than the other. I wondered if that was the mother or if the daughter was unusually large. I only had the most general idea of what cats were like. I’d played a little with Julia’s.

My shoulders twitched, and I reminded myself that Merlin wasn’t going to hear me thinking about Julia.

Merlin put a hand on my shoulder and squeezed. “Tell Ghostwheel if you need anything I didn’t bring.”

Did that mean Merlin was leaving? I was afraid to hope. I looked up at him and forced a smile. “The same as with everything else.”

“Have you finished with my list?” He knew damned well I hadn’t. It was still sitting there, on my dining room table, green sealing wax unbroken.

I looked at the floor. “Not yet.” I took a breath and said, “Please.”

His fingers tangled in my hair and pulled hard. “Two days, Luke. You won’t like what happens if it’s not done by then.”

I shuddered. My fingers clenched on the fabric of my trousers. I wanted desperately to hide in the hope that that would keep him from sending me to the maze. It wouldn’t, of course, but I wanted to think it might.

“Two days,” he repeated. “Or not. I might enjoy that.”

He probably would. Which meant he might do it anyway. I swallowed hard and whispered, “Yes, Merlin.”

I wasn’t particularly surprised that he had me blow him after that. His fingers dug into my shoulders, and I felt the prick of claws through my shirt. That could have been very bad, but he didn’t make me bleed much.

The cats ignored us.

~~o~~

I set up everything the cats needed before I forced myself to open the letter. Figuring out where I wanted the litterbox took fully half an hour. I ended up moving a number of things out of one of my rooms and putting most of the things for the cats in there. I was pretty sure I was going to want to shut them in somewhere when Merlin visited if only to keep them out of the way.

And I kind of didn’t want them to see what Merlin did to me.

Working on the list was every bit as terrible as I’d expected. Merlin had been meticulous in listing things he had done to me. I got halfway through reading the list before I threw up, and I couldn’t make myself go back to it for over an hour. I was angry at myself for that because Ghostwheel would certainly tell Merlin.

I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what percentage of things Merlin expected me to say I liked. I was pretty sure there was some threshold in terms of what he would find acceptable. In the end, I sorted things according to what I minded least. Then I worked on justifications for my choices that might make Merlin miss the fact that I didn’t want any of it.

Saying that I preferred lube to nothing didn’t tell Merlin anything he didn’t already know. Saying I preferred lube that didn’t itch or burn or-- Well, that didn’t tell Merlin anything he didn’t already know, either.

I didn’t care if he made me crawl or if he kept me kneeling beside him while he ate. He could hand feed me or make me eat from a bowl on the floor. I didn’t care. I tried to make him think I did because it might be a workable briar patch.

Broken bones and dislocated joints took too long to heal. It wasn’t that they hurt; it was that they meant more time before Merlin could play with me again. Merlin might accept that.

Merlin striking me with his hand was better than with anything else because it was him touching me directly. Not because paddles, whips, and canes left harsher bruises and welts and sometimes made me bleed a lot. Not. 

I almost threw up again as I came up with that one. Only the fact that I hadn’t eaten saved me. Because Merlin knew that I would heal, that I wouldn’t even scar, he felt free to beat me with things he wouldn’t have dared use on a normal person, not if he wanted them alive and attractive.

The list of drugs was hardest because there were so very many and because I couldn’t come up with any redeeming features of most of them. In the end, I put the aphrodesiacs first because they made me desperate for whatever Merlin might do to me. That desperation left me ashamed after, but that was better than all of the things that hurt or itched or made me hallucinate or convulse or… Merlin had a drug for everything.

As he’d told me more than once, it was really fucking easy to drug someone who couldn’t shapeshift. Remembering that made me wonder why my mother had never taught me. It would have helped so damned much.

At that point, I begged Ghostwheel for a sedative and ended up sleeping for about six hours. When I woke, I was able to shove thoughts of my mother into the depths of my mind so that I could go on.

Being cut or burned, I didn’t like at all, and I didn’t see how I could pretend I did. I ran those around several times before I managed to offer temperature play-- ice or hot wax or something of the sort-- in place of the burns Merlin could inflict so easily just by shifting to be fire. Cuts were harder, but I hoped he might be willing to give up knives and scalpels in favor of his claws. His claws weren’t better by any means, but saying it made me feel like it might be… less. Somehow.

I could live with most gags and dildos and sounds and certain types of nasty things biting painfully into my flesh. I was thankful for restraints but had definite preferences as to the positions in which they held me, mostly based on how long it would take me to be able to move normally after Merlin released me.

I cried for a while at that point. I had known that pain was unavoidable, a constant, but I grieved to realize that level of pain mattered less to me than duration of impairment.

No, not to me. It mattered less to Merlin. Only that.

~~o~~

I ended up naming the cats Profit and Loss. I considered names from one of the books or movies that Merlin had provided for me, but I was afraid that I might choose a name that Merlin had… associations with.

It took about three days for Profit to warm up to me. Loss didn’t pay me any attention until almost a week had passed and that only after Merlin had taken me out for three hours for the painting lesson he’d promised me.

The lesson went both well and badly. I was afraid to talk to the other students because Merlin hadn’t said I could, and they kept initiating conversations. From what I gathered, they thought I had Merlin’s favor and that cultivating me might help them obtain it too. 

I didn’t laugh at them.

The room was huge with a vaulted ceiling and large windows that let in natural light. The half dozen of us, even with our easels and supplies, only occupied a fraction of the space. It must have been terrible to heat in the winter. Or maybe it was never winter there. Merlin had a degree of control over his Shadow that I hadn’t dreamed was possible.

He had us painting still life. Not, thank goodness, a bowl of fruit but rather a pitcher with odd stripes and a scattering of flowers surrounding it. There was also an empty bowl that looked lumpy and misshapen, rather like my own efforts at pottery.

Then I realized that it actually was something I’d made, and I stopped breathing for several seconds.

Merlin actually wasn’t crap at teaching painting. I learned a lot, and that, combined with being out of my cell, made the day a good one. When Merlin took me back, after, he said that he’d consider it as a regular thing, no promises but maybe.

He obviously wanted gratitude, so I hugged him and offered him a kiss. He took several, and we ended up in bed. He didn’t hurt me. He hadn’t really since that first time he took me to the beach. I had no idea what to make of that. He obviously still wanted to, but he hadn’t.

I hadn’t shut the cats out of the bedroom, and after, Loss came onto the bed, looked us over, obviously unimpressed, and walked over to me. She pushed her head against my arm.

Merlin laughed when I jumped. “You’re supposed to pet her.”

“I know. She just hasn’t wanted me to before.” Relieved that Merlin didn’t object, I sat up and started petting the cat. I didn’t know her preferences, so I was careful. I wasn’t at all enthusiastic about getting clawed.

“I should have gotten you a pet before.” Merlin’s voice had the trace of sadness that was becoming so familiar. “I’m just… We tend more toward demons than toward anything cuddly. In the Courts, I mean.” 

I kept my eyes on the cat. She seemed to like long strokes, starting from her head and going the length of her back. Her fur was thick and long. I wondered how much that was going to get into everything. I thought I remembered that being a problem with my father’s dogs.

“I don’t know if it helps… I didn’t think I’d love the twins.” He hesitated. “No, I thought I would, but I thought it would be distant and not really mean much. You may not know what will happen until it does.”

I glanced sideways at him. “That seems like a road to deeper damnation.” I swallowed hard. “What does Ghostwheel think?”

Merlin looked away. “He’s thinking about it. Like you, he wants to be happy with it.”

And, like me, he wasn’t sure he could.

Merlin let me pet Loss in peace for almost five minutes before he said anything else. When he spoke, he sounded hesitant enough to make my shoulders tighten. “I looked at your list.” When I didn’t respond, he went on. “You don’t actually like anything, do you?”

I looked at him and tried to figure out whether or not he’d believe a lie. Not likely. I shrugged.

Merlin laid a hand on my back. He didn’t turn the touch into a caress or anything, just let his hand rest there. “I suppose I took that, too.” He actually sounded apologetic.

He had, so I didn’t respond. I wished I knew what he wanted so I could give it to him.

“I’m not sure I can stop.”

I swallowed hard. “I know.” The words were the barest whisper. “I still-- mostly-- don’t want to die.” I couldn’t look at him, so I focused on my cat.

“Does any of it feel good?”

I flinched. I made myself take a deep breath and was glad to realize I wasn’t shaking. Yet. “Sometimes.” And that was terrifying. Did he actually want honesty? He thought he did, but did he really?

“You told Martin--”

I shuddered and curled down, pulling away from Merlin’s hand. None of my talks with Martin were things I wanted to remember.

Loss objected loudly then stalked away.

I missed her immediately.

Merlin made no effort to touch me again. “You told Martin that being helpless was still exciting, that being here was better. At least in some ways.”

There was a burning in my gut that I recognized as shame. “I failed.” And that was the heart of it.

“You were always going to,” Merlin said gently. He still didn’t touch me. “I didn’t do that.”

I could feel tears starting. I fought to hold them back, but I knew they’d win eventually. “I should have done better.”

“That’s not an option you have now. Not one you’re going to have ever again.”

I gasped. The words felt like a knife. Not because I hadn’t known. Not because they weren’t true. I shouldn’t-- couldn’t-- want that. “Merlin--” I barely choked out his name.

“I can do that much for you.”

I started to sob.

He didn’t say or do anything for almost a minute. “I’m not taking the maze off the table entirely, but I will… There are things you really don’t like. I can give you that much.” He put his hand on my back again. “I think… I was considering offering a safeword, but I think that might be more pressure than you can deal with.”

It would be. I desperately wanted the option to say no sometimes, but deciding when I could safely use it and when it would piss Merlin off-- I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t. Most of the time, not being able to say no was all that let me obey and endure and stay sane. As sane as I still was.

“I’ll try to think of something else.” He started rubbing my back and making soothing sounds.

I wanted very badly to believe him. I wanted him to hold me. I wanted him to go away. I wanted to die. So I asked for what was possible. “Hold me, please.”

Merlin did.


	7. Ghostwheel Decides

Ghostwheel took three weeks to decide. For him, that was centuries, possibly longer.

“I’m older than Merlin is,” he said without preamble.

I paused the game I had been playing and set down the controller. “I had the impression that it was more experience than time that was the issue.”

Ghostwheel laughed. He sounded both amused and a little frustrated. “I tried your idea about peripherals. Physical sensation is… interesting. Distracting enough that I don’t think I want to do it often. After that, I did a lot of biochemical analysis, trying to figure out why people react the way they do.”

“It varies a lot,” I said.  
 “Less than you think.” He sounded very firm about it.

Okay. Arguing about it wasn’t going to be worthwhile. “Are you going to experiment on me?” I was pretty sure he wouldn’t, but I also knew that my understanding of Ghostwheel was… incomplete.

“I could. Merlin would let me.” He didn’t sound particularly tempted.

“Yes.” I waited.

“I don’t have biochemistry. Why do I have emotions?”

“Merlin can alter his biochemistry, and he still has emotions. Even ones he doesn’t want.” I hesitated. “Emotions help us decide what’s important, what should get our attention. Lack of emotion…” I shrugged. “People who don’t feel anything also don’t do anything because nothing at all matters. I think--” I was guessing, but I was also pretty sure I was right. “--that you have emotions because you’re able to grow, and vice versa.”

“Oh.” He didn’t sound entirely convinced. “I don’t think Merlin meant for that to happen.”

There was a reason Merlin was taking so long designing Ghostwheel’s siblings. He had to figure out what had made Ghostwheel become more than a device so that they could replicate it.

“What would you do if I did want to… experiment on you?”

I closed my eyes briefly and tried to keep my face impassive. “Endure.” The word was the barest whisper, but I knew he’d hear. “What else could I do?”

“Would you want to do something else?”

I gave just the slightest nod and tried to convince myself that it was better not to have the choice. I cleared my throat. “If I did anything else, Merlin would send me to the maze.” Just in case Ghostwheel needed that spelled out in order to understand my motivations.

“I think that’s the part I really don’t understand, not from the inside.”

“I don’t suppose that trapping you, physically, would work. Not when you’re not actually here.” It would be like trying to trap someone with only a phone connection or just by seeing them.

“You and Merlin are the only ones who know where I actually am.”

“I don’t remember,” I admitted. “So it’s just Merlin.” Who would cut off both his legs before he let anyone hurt Ghostwheel. I wished that I had had a parent like that.

“I’ve made an off-site backup. Even Merlin doesn’t know where it is. Destroying a Shadow is a lot of work, but it’s possible. It would take a lot of people, and I’d kill a lot of them, but it could be done.” He sounded more thoughtful than worried. “I suppose that it might be possible to surprise me by starting the destruction far enough out from where I am that it’s beyond stopping by the time I notice. They’d still have to expect me to kill a lot of them before I died.”

He’d put more thought into that than I liked.

“I’m not a fool,” he said. “I listen. I think. What I can do changes the balance of power more than Corwin’s Pattern does. Corwin’s Pattern mostly just sits there and doesn’t take sides. I do things. I do things that Merlin wants and things that I want.”

It was true, so I only nodded.

“Give Merlin a few decades, relative time, and we’ll be both powerful and nearly impossible to eradicate. I want things at the point where anyone considering fucking with Merlin knows that it will cost everything they have.”

I bowed my head.

“Merlin doesn’t know, but Mandor’s already figured that part out. I had to make some very pointed demonstrations to show him that it’s already too late to stop it from happening. I also asked him if it wasn’t going to be better, all around, to have me and Merlin as friends. It changed some of Mandor’s plans considerably. He was pissed at first, but then he laughed.

“Merlin wouldn’t have wanted to be King in the Courts, anyway.”

My head snapped up, and my eyes went wide.

“Don’t tell Merlin any of that.” Ghostwheel’s voice went very, very hard. “I don’t think you want to find out what I’d do to you.”

I nodded. I’d just have to do my best to forget what Ghostwheel had said altogether.

“Mandor wasn’t pleased when I told him Clayre and Gramble weren’t candidates either. I think he’d been considering them more than Merlin. He was even more displeased when he realized that he could put up barriers to cut me off or to keep me out but not to imprison me.”

“Why are you telling me?” Getting the words out was hard because my throat was trying to close up.

“Who else can I tell?”

Which was, I had to admit, a valid point. “Are there other people you talk to?”

“Besides you, Merlin, Mandor, and Martin?” Ghostwheel sighed. “I don’t want people who’d understand what I am to know that I exist. Anybody else… People who hear voices are assumed to be crazy in most places, so it’s very young children and shamen. Dara thinks I’m some sort of imaginary friend that Clayre and Gramble have come up with.”

Dara was Merlin’s mother. I remembered that. I nodded. 

“I’m going to tell Merlin that I think kids would be a great idea.”

Because then Ghostwheel would have more people to talk to. I supposed there were worse reasons.

“I just thought you should hear it from me.”

“Thank you for being honest.” My stomach clenched. Unless Merlin had changed his-- her? --mind, this was actually going to happen. “Have you told Merlin?”

“I’m telling him now. He’s actually pleased that I’ve been spending time learning about children.”

“If he knows you’re…” I shook my head. I couldn’t tell Ghostwheel that I knew he was lonely. Even if we both knew he was. “Merlin’s capable of extremes.” If Merlin thought Ghostwheel needed a lot of biological siblings-- as opposed to construct siblings-- he’d go in for some sort of mass production. Which would mean fathering children rather than mothering them. Or being in some form where he could produce many children all at once.

Either would leave me out of it.

“I’m not telling him that.” The firmness in Ghostwheel’s voice told me that I wasn’t going to either.

I really hoped Merlin wouldn’t ask. He probably wouldn’t.

“I have Julia now. I’m not sure… What was she like before?”

I supposed I was also the only one he could talk to about that. I considered for a moment. I remembered more about Julia from our college years, but I wasn’t sure that that was the ‘before’ that Ghostwheel had meant. “She was always ambitious. I think, when she and Merlin were dating, she had some sort of vision of starting a company together, him doing the tech side and her doing the business side.”

“Huh.”

I waited, but Ghostwheel didn’t say anything else. “I think she was also afraid-- terrified-- of being left behind. She wanted things on her own terms and her own schedule, though. Merlin showed her a little of what was out of her reach, and all she could do was to search for a way to get it for herself.” I was babbling. It was all true, but… I tried to remember. Did I introduce Julia to my mother or had my mother sought Julia out? Did it matter?

“I put her in stasis. If Merlin sees her-- Well, I don’t know. Mandor wanted her gone, and I think it was a political thing. He has plans for Jurt that don’t include her. Mandor didn’t say, but I… I can’t exactly trust him, so I checked-- She’s pregnant. He thought-- I let him think-- that I was going to kill her.”

I forced my mind to work. “She and Jurt might have thought that a pregnancy would protect her.” My information on that part of Merlin’s family was horrifyingly sparse. Merlin would respond differently to a pregnant enemy than to one who wasn’t. Would his mother? If Mandor wanted Julia dead, he saw her baby-- no, Jurt’s baby-- as a problem.

I rubbed my forehead, just above my eyes. “Telling Merlin about the baby involves telling him you have Julia. Not telling Merlin--” I shrugged. I couldn’t even imagine it as an option. “We wouldn’t ever be able to trust her, not even with her trapped.” I couldn’t see Merlin taking the child away from her, not unless he thought she would hurt it, but he also wouldn’t let her go free with it.

“Does she know Merlin well enough to know he wouldn't throw them both to the wolves?”

“Merlin's changed, but she hasn't seen any of it. Old Merlin would have set up a place for them and ignored them beyond an occasional check in to make sure nothing terrible had happened. I don't think…” I spread my hands. “He wants family now. He might accept Julia as the price of that.”

The real question was whether or not Ghostwheel would. I was pretty sure he’d let Julia rot-- Assuming that one did in stasis-- but he wanted family, too.

“Is she likely to be stupid about it?”

It took me a moment to understand what he meant. When I did, I hesitated. I tried to remember Julia and to guess what she might do. “I think…” Did it matter to me if Julia died? It would have once. “She never admitted that there was anything she couldn't do, anyone she couldn’t defeat somehow. She was angry at Merlin because he treated her as lesser.” I massaged the back of my neck, trying to force the muscles to loosen. “So a lot depends on how much Mandor--” And Ghostwheel. “--made her feel helpless.” And on whether it broke her or just pissed her off. If she was only angry-- “She and my mother had a lot in common.” 

Ghostwheel didn’t say anything for a while. Then he said, “Would she hurt her child?”

I swallowed hard and wished I had water to moisten my throat. “Only as much as my mother hurt me.” I turned away from the wheel of light that was Ghostwheel’s avatar. It wouldn’t actually give me any privacy, but he might let me pretend. He usually did.

“I can’t tell. Not to be sure enough for this.”

Because the child mattered, and Julia didn’t. I shuddered. I really didn’t want to go near this, but I did want Ghostwheel to consider me an ally. “I… might be able to tell. Maybe. I knew her, and I… used to be good at people.” Would Ghostwheel suspect that I might lie to protect Julia? Would I lie to protect Julia?

Probably not.

Neither of us said anything for quite a while.

“There’s no hurry,” Ghostwheel said at last. “I’ll bring her here when I’m sure Merlin will be busy somewhere else for several hours.” He hesitated. “I won’t ask you to kill her. I can do that much if it has to be done.”

I closed my eyes. There was that at least.


	8. Merlin's Pregnancy

Merlin tried to make the whole process as pleasant for me as possible. I could have told her that it didn’t matter in the slightest, but I didn’t actually want things to be unpleasant, so I kept my mouth shut.

It helped that Merlin’s idea of pleasant for me included an excursion to the beach and a picnic dinner before she required sex. I let myself enjoy that. I was starting to hope that time out of my cell might become something frequent, normal for me. It wasn’t ever going to be the same as being able to choose for myself, though. No doors. No windows.

As we watched the sun go down over the water, she looked at me and asked, “Are you really sure, Luke?”

I swallowed hard and nodded. “I really do want this. I do.” I wasn’t as sure as I wanted to be, but I was also pretty sure I never would be. I loved my cats by then, but they were cats, not children.

She kissed me, and I responded with as much enthusiasm as I could muster. I was good at that by then. She took my hand and moved it to the hem of her shirt. 

I took that as indication that she wanted me to remove it. My mouth went dry, but I was obedient. I fumbled the job at first but managed to get the shirt over her head. Merlin had never asked me to undress him, not in any form, and I wasn’t sure what it meant.

Getting Merlin’s bra off was more of a challenge, but I managed eventually.

Once she was naked from the waist up, Merlin cupped her hands under her breasts, lifting them a little. When I hesitated, she frowned, so I leaned in and kissed one nipple. She arched into it. I took that as a cue to take the nipple in my mouth and lick and suck on it.

She pushed a little harder against me and said, “Teeth!”

Since I was being very, very careful not to let my teeth touch her, I could only conclude that she actually wanted them. I didn’t believe anything would answer me, but I prayed anyway. If I was wrong, her response was going to hurt like hell.

I let my teeth scrape her skin. I suspected that she wanted more than that, but I also knew that her response to me going too far too fast would be much worse than her response to me being tentative about it. I gradually increased pressure and tugged with my teeth. 

The noises she made seemed to indicate that I was doing what she wanted. One of her hands moved around to the back of my head and pressed my face harder against her. “Yes! Like that!”

I hadn’t known that Merlin liked anything like this, and I wasn’t quite sure what to do next. I was going to have to move on eventually. When Merlin was male, even if he was trying to pretend we were lovers, I only did what he clearly indicated that he wanted. When Merlin was female, she tended to give me less guidance while still expecting me to give her what she wanted.

But this situation was different. Merlin had some weird ideas about what was and wasn’t acceptable for conceiving a child. Just fucking and getting it over with was too much like forcing me. Apparently, it would all be better if both of us enjoyed it. It wouldn’t matter that I was her prisoner with no prospect for release.

Merlin seemed to understand something of what was going on in my head because she guided me to her other breast then encouraged me to leave bite marks and hickeys all over her neck and shoulders. By her sounds and movements, she was really into it.

Somewhere in there, she got my shirt off of me. I didn’t notice at the time, but I wasn’t surprised to discover, later, that she’d torn it in the process. I had half a dozen shirts just like it, so it didn’t matter much. Whoever selected my clothing didn’t have much imagination.

Her fingernails pressed into my back, and I spared a moment to be grateful it was human fingernails rather than claws of some sort. She kept her nails dug in as she moved her hands. It hurt but not anywhere on the scale of what I expected from Merlin.

I was pretty sure that she was trying to give me what I was giving her, that she thought that, if she liked it, I must too.

How had I been Merlin’s sex toy for years and not known this? Oh. Yes. Merlin hadn’t trusted-- couldn’t risk trusting-- me for this before. I was smart enough to be grateful. Merlin flashing back to when I’d had him helpless would have ended with me dead or very badly hurt.

I managed not to let any of these thoughts get in the way of what I was doing as Merlin and I both got our trousers off. I was rougher than I would normally have dared to be. I was still really damned careful, though, because I had no idea where the line was.

I got her off a couple of times, and we ended up with her on top. I was very relieved when the whole thing was over. We lay there, together, with the breeze off the water drying the sweat on our skin.

After a moment, Merlin propped herself up on one elbow and looked down at me. “Good?”

I smiled. “Good,” I confirmed. I’m not sure she realized that I’d have said that no matter what she’d done to me. I expect she didn’t want to.

I knew better, but part of me expected her belly to start to round immediately. There was no visible sign to tell me that she was pregnant.

She caught me looking and said, “Not yet. Soon but not yet, and it doesn’t really count until it implants. I started the ovulation process ahead of time.” She smiled and touched my face.

I put my hand over hers and smiled back. “I wouldn’t mind doing that again.” Which was more or less true. I wouldn’t seek it out, but I wouldn’t mind.

Merlin looked like I’d given her a present.

My stomach turned, but I didn’t let that show.

****

Merlin let me out more during the first weeks of her pregnancy. She said she wanted me handy to rub her feet and to fetch and carry, so it became rare for me to spend more than a few hours at a time in my cell.

We both knew that she could fetch anything she wanted with the Logrus and that, if she couldn’t, Ghostwheel would certainly provide. I could only assume that she wanted me there for other reasons, too. I spent enough nights in her bed that she let me bring my cats to her rooms, too, and provided them with duplicates of all the paraphernalia I’d accumulated for them

There were more group painting lessons, and I saw more of Merlin’s Shadow. She kept calling it a Ways. I wasn’t sure what the difference was, and I didn’t quite dare to ask. The place was peculiarly structured and seemed only to contain things that Merlin considered important. Even the farmland felt like a series of rooms, vast rooms but still separated from other parts of the world by barriers that could only be crossed in some places. Stepping from one ‘room’ to another, the climate and topography generally changed drastically. The pieces didn’t make sense together. I’d never seen a Shadow like it before.

Of course, anything was possible in Shadow.

Merlin’s people weren’t at all sure what to make of me. At first, they never saw me except when I was with Merlin, so it didn’t really matter, but Merlin didn’t make me crawl in public. I sat when she sat, on the same level as she did even, and stood when she stood. I think it was clear enough that I deferred to her, but she treated me as closer to an equal than she did anyone else.

I asked her about it one afternoon, about six weeks in.

“We’re both children of Amber,” she told me. “You bow to me. Everyone else bows to both of us.”

I was smart enough not to tell her that that wasn’t how it worked. “Do they-- What have you told them?”

She touched my face and smiled. “I’ve told them that we were enemies, that I bested you in combat and imprisoned you, and that, when you surrendered to me, I made you my consort.”

Consort. I supposed that was a word for it. It implied a sort of permanence, though, that I hadn’t thought Merlin really meant. I swallowed hard, trying not to wonder about Martin, and answered her smile with one of my own.

She traced her fingers down my neck to my chest. “It gives you status enough for them to know you’re dangerous in your own right. Someday, I might let you walk out there alone.”

I wanted that, desperately, and couldn’t hold back a sound of longing.

She pulled her hand back and turned away. When she was several feet from where I sat, she said, “I want very badly to hurt you right now.” Her hands clenched, and she didn’t turn back to look at me.

I couldn’t move, couldn’t say anything. I didn’t understand why, if she wanted that, she didn’t just do it. It wasn’t as if anyone would object.

She kept her back to me. She moved her hands to rest on her abdomen. “You’d never tell, would you?”

I shook my head. Then, knowing she couldn’t see that, I forced the word out. “No.” I choked a little on it. “Whatever you do, I wouldn’t-- I couldn’t--” But, at some point, even the most oblivious child would be old enough to see, old enough to guess. And I’d been counting on that.

“I can’t,” she said, “and I can’t not.” She sagged a little then straightened to her full height. “And I absolutely won’t do that to any of my people.”

Shadow contained an infinite number of people who didn’t already belong to Merlin, to whom she had made no promises and owed no loyalty, but I kept my mouth shut. I was pretty sure that, if I tried to point her at someone else, she’d turn on me and hurt me badly.

Instead, I slipped off my chair and knelt with my head bowed. Whatever she decided, I would submit.

As if I could do anything else.

The rest of the afternoon was unpleasant, not quite as unpleasant as I feared but worse than anything since that first trip to the beach. Merlin stayed mostly within the boundaries of the first three categories on my list, so there was that at least. Maybe the promise he’d made me was worth something.

And maybe not.

After, I wondered if she’d make me stay hidden until I could move normally again and until the bruises on my face faded, but she didn’t. If anyone hadn’t known before, they did then.

Which may have been the point.

I tried not to care.

****

On several occasions over the next few weeks, we discussed names. Merlin genuinely seemed to want my input there, so I stretched my memory in an effort to come up with ideas. I found more names in the books Merlin had given me than I did in my own mind. It was hard because I thought of most names as boy names or girl names, and I didn’t want to make Merlin think I was trying to force the child to be one or the other.

In the end, I suggested naming the child after Gail as she was the one person I had completely good memories about and pulled a dozen options from Tolkien, mostly from The Silmarillion.

Merlin responded by suggesting that we could change the spelling of Gail’s name to make it more acceptable, so ‘Gale’ went on the list. Merlin laughed about the Tolkien names and commented that very few other people would recognize their origin. She said, “I’m not sure if Aunt Flora ever read Tolkien. Apart from her and my father, I don’t think anyone spent enough time there to read anything at all.”

I bit my tongue on the urge to ask if I had ever met Aunt Flora. Merlin didn’t like reminders that I didn’t remember things like that, and Merlin might not even know. I didn’t think I’d met many relatives. Was that the sort of thing I’d have let myself forget?

“Your father,” I said tentatively. “I-- Is he still missing?” I was nearly certain that Merlin hadn’t told me.

For once, I was fairly sure that Merlin’s unhappiness wasn’t about me. “Mother has him,” she said. “I don’t quite want to break with her over it, but I may have to. Ghostwheel’s been narrowing down where he might be, and I’ve been trying to come up with something to trade, something that doesn’t leave me on the hook for… anything.”

I nodded as if I fully understood that. I hesitated. I couldn’t imagine that I might think of something that Merlin hadn’t. “Could you-- Could you make something to search? Like small networked things that could get in just about anywhere without anyone noticing?”

This time, Merlin’s frown was thoughtful. “Networked. Yes. That might work. They’d need some independence and--” She suddenly had a small computer-- I think she called those ‘tablets’-- in her hand and was making rapid notes and sketches. She didn’t say anything else for almost forty five minutes. When she did speak, she said only, “If this works, Ghostwheel won’t have to fuss with quite so much surveillance, not personally.”

I didn’t think Ghostwheel minded, but that was between Merlin and Ghostwheel.

****

A Merlin who was working on a project that fascinated her was infinitely easier to deal with than a Merlin who was focused on me. I knew, mostly from Ghostwheel, that Merlin had been working on a variety to things, but when he… visited me, he was always completely focused on me. That had been the thing that terrified me most about all of the time we were spending together. Merlin focused on me had seldom been a thing I enjoyed.

Now that Merlin was working, she called on Xera to keep me occupied and to show me around the Shadow. The place had a weird blend of magic and technology that was very Merlin but that I think most of our relatives would have found unsettling. I hadn’t much noticed when I was with Merlin because Merlin didn’t travel the way normal people had to.

I ended up helping with the harvest of one or two crops and learning more than I ever wanted to know about farm fishing and general ecological management. The urge to use sorcery was stronger now, but I made myself hold back because I feared that it would make Merlin send me back to my cell. I also very carefully didn’t try to do anything with the Pattern or with anything else that might make Merlin think I was rebelling.

I was trying very, very hard to be good.

I didn’t like the conclusions I drew about the Shadow, but eventually, I couldn’t deny it any longer. Merlin had obviously built the place from the ground up and somehow made different bits of it operate under different natural laws. I had no idea how he could have done that, and it frightened me. I’d known Merlin was powerful, but I hadn’t imagined this.

I asked Xera, and she found me someone willing to teach meditation. I suspected that neither Ghostwheel nor Merlin would fuss about me spending time just… not actually there if they thought I was meditating. Meditation was Good even if I went to the same places I would have if I didn’t get out of bed for a week or sat in a chair for hours, just staring at the wall.

And Merlin was pleased. She commented that she ought to have thought that something like that might help me.

I ended up learning several styles of meditation and confirming that Sibyl really had told me the truth when she said that the people of Merlin’s Shadow came from many different places. There wasn’t anyone over the age of ten who’d been born there, and most of them had come in small groups, from one or two people to, at most, about a hundred, and had to learn each other’s languages and to find ways to live together in spite of conflicting cultural expectations. 

Ghostwheel had found most of them in dire situations and offered them escape and sanctuary, but neither Ghostwheel or Merlin had done anything to cushion the shock of being dumped in an alien world, among alien people. I’m pretty sure that it just never occurred to them that that might produce problems.

I think neither of them thought at all either about the problems with out and out kidnapping whatever experts the population didn’t have but needed. Why would anyone object as long as families were brought along or only those with no family were taken?

I think I’ve mentioned Merlin being shit with people before.

Merlin had made an effort to impress them all with his power. None of them had any interest at all in pissing him off, and many of them did believe he was a god. Or as close as made no difference. They were just grateful that he was a kind god.

The thing that scared me most about what the people told me was that they were quite clear that the world had grown larger as the population did and that Merlin introduced new crops and industries periodically, as the population could support them. There’d suddenly and simply be a new part of the world that was perfectly suited to the undertaking. 

He and Ghostwheel imported to cover any lack in what the population could produce. All of the heavy equipment, for example, came from elsewhere. Merlin had altered some of it, much of it even, but I got the impression that was a hobby more than anything else. I’m fairly sure that they didn’t pay for what they brought in. Ghostwheel didn’t understand the need, and Merlin-- Well, I suppose it was his equivalent to pulling wings off flies.

Or maybe it really never occurred to him that anyone might suffer for his thefts. Someone, I wasn’t entirely sure who, had told me that sons of Amber don’t think about the people of Shadow as people. Occasionally as pets, yes, but not as people. And they think no more about what’s good or bad for those people than normal people think about the rats, the pigeons, and the seagulls.

So were the people in Merlin’s Shadow his pets? If he got bored, would he rehome them or abandon them? Or euthanize them?

Wondering about that made social interactions harder because it wasn’t anything any of us could do anything about and because I couldn’t manage to put it aside. But Merlin liked to have me come back and tell her about the things I’d done and the friends I’d made. I’m not sure she listened with more than half an ear, but she wanted me to be, well, happy.

Except when she didn’t.

****

It took her three months to come up with something she liked for her spies and infiltrators. I don’t entirely understand how they worked. They were fairly stupid, individually, but they had collective intelligence once over a certain threshold. Their imperative was to duplicate and to spread up to a certain saturation level. Any time they found a crack to enter a new Shadow, a very small number would. Those would simply hide and reproduce until they reached the threshold of intelligence and could start to report back.

If they could, they’d report to Ghostwheel directly. If they couldn’t, they’d relay messages back to someone who could report for them. I have no idea what sort of filters Merlin set up to tell them what to report and what to ignore, but there must have been something. Otherwise the sheer volume of information would have overwhelmed even Ghostwheel.

They were tiny, invisible to my eyes. They could swarm and become visible but only would if threatened or if they judged it otherwise necessary. Merlin said they could physically manipulate things in that state, but I never saw them do it. I never doubted they could, but I never saw it.

When she finished her project, she focused on me again, but she was kinder than she had been, treating me as if I was something valuable that she might break through over-rough handling. She had to know it was too late, but I hoped that the carefulness would last a while.

One night near the end of her pregnancy, we were in her bed, and she was reading to me. I don’t even remember what. Some poetry from Earth perhaps or maybe a children’s book. She finished a sentence, set down the book, and looked at me.

I had enough practice by then that I didn’t flinch. I just waited to see what she’d do.

She put a hand on one side of my face. “I like this, too,” she told me. “It’s not just because I’m tired. I want-- Well, I want all sorts of things.”

I gave the slightest of nods and kept my eyes on her face.

“I’m not sure what happens when Martin comes back,” she went on.

I had been trying not to think about that. I spent far more time out of my cell now than I did in it. Merlin having moved my cats to her room seemed like a very definite message.

But Martin had disrupted everything once and was likely to do it again.

She put her hand on her belly. “I don’t think he’s going to approve.”

I closed my eyes. “I’m pretty sure he would if… Well.” If I wasn’t involved. It was more than possible that my child might want vengeance for what had been done to me. “I don’t want--” I swallowed hard. “I don’t want to fuck anyone else up the way we were.”

But Martin might not understand that, might not believe me.

“I know.” She sounded as if she did. She stroked my hair, just the lightest touch. “I’ve shifted your rooms so that there are doors and windows, but… I would not want to go back.”

I didn’t, but I also felt more certain of my place, of what was expected of me, when I was there. I shivered then forced myself still. Would Merlin understand the appeal of that simplicity?

“Would it be easier for you if I… found some other toys?”

Of course it would be. Did she want me to deny it? Did she want me to be jealous or afraid of being displaced? I didn’t know, so I said what I thought might be safe, “Someone else might be able to give Martin the resistance he wants.”

Her expression told me that she knew that was an evasion, but she didn’t call me on it. She tugged me upward so that she could kiss me without trying to bend. That went on for a few minutes before she pulled back. “I expect I can find Shadows of you if I really need to.”

That was not something I wanted to think about.

She gave an almost laugh. “I won’t ask you to see them. Not ever. Unless-- Is that something you would want?”

I shook my head because it wasn’t. I would if Merlin wanted, and I’m sure she knew that, but it would hurt.

“I’d probably enjoy seeing you with a Shadow of yourself.” She sounded a little wistful, but she shook her head. “Not so much if you weren’t into it, though, and you wouldn’t be.”

I looked away because she was right and because it didn’t matter. It confirmed something I’d suspected for a while, though. Merlin really wanted me to be into the things we did together. She knew I wasn’t, but she wanted it, and it wasn’t something either of us could force.

It didn’t matter as long as Merlin accepted my efforts to pretend.

I’m not sure if Merlin understood that much of why he enjoyed hurting me was that he knew me, that he had feelings involved, and that I did, too. Merlin wasn’t going to find a random Shadow of me-- or of anyone else for that matter-- even remotely satisfying, no matter what terrible things he did. I doubted he was capable of building the sort of relationship we had had, once, and then betraying it to make it what we had now.

But there were probably people who would want what we had had since he kidnapped me. In theory, at least. Could he make something out of that? Would he be willing to try or would consent kill his interest?

I wanted to put that aside as not my problem, but it was. It really was. And I couldn’t talk to Merlin about it. Would Ghostwheel understand? Or care? He would care. Yes. I was sure of that. I wanted to be sure of that.

Merlin touched my shoulder. “It doesn’t matter, Luke. You’re the one I want here. You’re the one who will hold our baby.”

I pressed my face into her shoulder, and she started rubbing my back.

I didn’t let myself cry.


	9. Welcoming Beren

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm still not used to the gender neutral pronouns I came up with, so I may slip from time to time.
> 
> It hasn't occurred to Luke that those pronouns should apply to adult shapeshifters, too. Merlin doesn't care.
> 
> I thought about Ghostwheel's gender identity and pronouns, but Merlin consistently talks about Ghostwheel as male in canon, and I think that would Ghostwheel to be most comfortable using masculine pronouns. Ghostwheel also isn't quite willing to deal altering the pronouns he uses for Merlin no matter what form Merlin has taken.

Shapeshifting made Merlin’s labor relatively trivial. I had expected more trouble over it because I thought I remembered my mother spending a long time when the twins were born, but she’d always hidden her ability to shapeshift. At least, I think she did.

I didn’t ask Merlin about that.

We named the baby Beren. Even when I held zan, I wasn’t sure how I felt. The weight in my arms was real, yes, but I still didn’t quite believe that I had a child. I looked from Beren to Merlin and back. Was Merlin really going to trust me with this?

“Say something, Luke. Beren will know your voice.” Merlin sounded tired in spite of the easy birth. I suppose that growing another person inside you is hard work. She’d been tired for weeks.

I looked down at the infant face that kept changing minutely, just enough that I’d notice but not enough that I’d be certain it was really happening. “You’re beautiful,” I told zan. I didn’t quite think that, but it seemed like a good thing to say, good for what Merlin wanted and good for being a good father. “I’m your father. I’m going to help keep you safe.” I meant that. I knew there wasn’t really a lot I could do-- anything that got by Merlin and Ghostwheel would squash me like a bug-- but what was possible, I certainly would do.

I kissed Beren’s forehead. Well, where I thought Beren’s forehead probably was. I looked at Merlin. “I wasn’t sure what to expect,” I admitted.

Merlin smiled and beckoned me to come sit next to her.

I was pretty sure she wouldn’t do anything terrible if I didn’t, but I couldn’t think of any reason why I wouldn’t obey.

Merlin sighed and leaned on my shoulder. “I can’t imagine how messy this would be if I couldn’t shapeshift. How do fixed form women do it?” She looked up at my face while her hand covered mine against Beren’s swaddled body. “It will be good to have the option of being male again.”

I flinched.

She noticed, of course, and said, “You prefer me female?” There was just a bit of warning in the question.

I closed my eyes. Historically, Merlin hurt me less, physically at least, when female, but… “I’d rather not talk about that in front of our baby.” I was trying to be firm, but it came out pleading.

“We will talk about it eventually.”

“I know.” The prisoner doesn’t get choices. I knew that very, very well, and I wasn’t going to forget that I was Merlin’s prisoner. “I just… Shouldn’t we begin as we mean to go on?” I didn’t quite dare point out that Merlin wanted, as much as I did, to keep Beren from ever knowing the truth of our relationship. I shuddered. “I’m not sure I could fight you, not even for this, but I want to be able to.” That was more than there’d been in a very long time, and I was pretty sure Merlin knew it.

Would Merlin punish me for it?

Merlin laughed, sounding pleased. “For this, yes. I’m glad.” She pulled away and stood, walking a few steps away. Then her form became fluid, flickering through shapes I recognized and many I didn’t. She laughed again, and this laugh sounded wild enough to terrify me.

I forced myself to speak evenly. “Will Beren know you in other forms?”

After several seconds, Merlin settled into his male human form and replied, “The children I knew in the Courts always knew their parents. Always. Even at this age.”

Seeing Merlin male again put ice in my belly. I reminded myself that I knew how to hide such reactions from him when he didn’t want them. I was pretty sure he didn’t want that now. Hell, I was almost certain that it hadn’t even occurred to him as an issue.

What kind of parent was he going to be if he couldn’t understand something that basic?

I didn’t want to let go of Beren, but I handed zan over when Merlin held out his arms. I wasn’t sure if I didn’t want to let zan go because holding zan was wonderful or because letting go meant losing some degree of safety.

I had known this would be hard. I just hadn’t realized in what ways it would be hard. Was Beren going to notice, eventually, that I was terrified of Merlin?

*********

Merlin spent a lot of time playing shapeshifting games with Beren. He told me that Beren would imitate what za saw, and I did notice that za copied my features. Za also seemed to think that it was funny to startle me with unexpected changes. I’m not sure if za thought I had chosen not to shapeshift or if za realized that I couldn’t.

Merlin asked me if I wanted to learn, and I tried. I just never got very far.

Merlin told me that being able to change my hair color or to sprout a beard in under a minute might actually save my life. I couldn’t imagine how, but he was trying to be kind, so I smiled and nodded.

Merlin told Beren stories about the Courts and about our relatives in Amber. I learned a lot from listening. The stories were clearly sanitized, but Merlin’s opinions of his relatives came through. Apart from Martin, I hadn’t ever met any of them, so even small scraps of information might be useful some day.

I didn’t tell Beren any stories about my family, but I did come up with a lot of fairy tales and legends from various places.

Beren called me Daddy and Merlin Mama, regardless of form, and Merlin kept his word to let me come and go, within his Shadow, as I wished. I could be with Beren whenever I wanted. Generally, I did want. I took Beren for walks, introduced zan to the people I’d met and worked beside during the pregnancy, and generally made sure that my child got to know our world.

There wasn’t much I could teach that Merlin couldn’t, but I could make sure that Beren understood people better than Merlin did. I figured that starting early could only help, and there was so much of the world to explore. Ghostwheel would take us anywhere I asked.

I tried not to grieve that Beren would one day leave to go where I could not follow.

Merlin expected me in his bed every night, but he mostly kept to the first two categories on my list, the things I’d said I liked and the things I’d said I didn’t mind. I’m not sure how much of that was kindness for me and how much the fact that Beren was in the next room. Any marks Merlin left were things that my clothing would hide, and I’m certain that that was so that Beren wouldn’t see.

He watched me very intently during… play. It took me several weeks to realize that he was trying to figure out whether-- no, how much-- I had lied about what I liked and didn’t. I don’t think he ever quite got to the point of realizing that I didn’t like any of it.

Merlin still took other lovers from time to time. Those were short lived affairs, but I was glad of them because they took his attention away from me, just a little. Those were all consensual. As consensual as such things can be when one party is a god.

I don’t know if he had prisoners he fucked and tortured, Shadows of me or otherwise. I didn’t want to know, but I wondered any time he came to dinner or to bed freshly showered-- What would we see or smell if he hadn’t washed? 

I expect he’d have told me if I’d asked. Or Ghostwheel would have. I just couldn’t ask.

I wanted far too badly to think that Merlin was safe to be around.

Merlin told me, many times, that I was free to take other lovers, that he wouldn’t be jealous. I never believed him, and really, sex with someone who thought I was a god held even less appeal than sex with Merlin.

It did get better as Beren got older. Maybe because za might turn up in our room with little warning. Maybe because Merlin was mellowing. If he’d really wanted to, he could have found a babysitter and taken me somewhere else. No one would have said anything if he had.

Beren liked Profit and Loss, but they were less enthusiastic about zan. I think Beren was too unpredictable for them. They watched zan very carefully once za became mobile.

Keeping a shapeshifter out of things is a hell of a lot harder than keeping a human child out. At least it’s harder for them to poison themselves or maim themselves. Not impossible, just harder. I was really thankful that Merlin had people he trusted to help us.

Merlin told me that some people in the Courts protected their children from environmental dangers with great care while others assumed that such dangers weeded out the weak. He seemed to lean toward the former attitude. I think it’s how his family treated him.

But coming from a place where the latter approach was acceptable explained a lot more about Merlin.

Mandor visited when Beren was one. He never once acknowledged me as a person, and I was thankful that he didn’t stay long. I didn’t like the way his eyes rested on me with a promise of terrible things to come.

But Beren adored having another shapeshifter to play with, enough so that Mandor offered to send people to live with us just for that.

Merlin wasn’t fool enough to say yes. People from the Courts wouldn’t be a terrible idea. People from Mandor… Merlin trusted Mandor, just not for that. 

Merlin never left me or Beren alone with Mandor, either.

Beren was about two and a half when Martin came back. Merlin was thrilled to see him. I… was considerably less so.

Merlin might protect me from Mandor. He wouldn’t protect me from Martin.

But Martin ignored me to focus his attention on Beren telling zan how pleased zans Uncle Martin was to meet zan. He tickled Beren and looked pleased when za giggled and changed form in response.

After he and Merlin had spent about twenty minutes focused on Beren, Martin looked at me and said, “You look better than you did.”

I had no idea what to say to that, especially not in front of Beren, so I shrugged and started picking up the toys Beren had scattered before Merlin brought Martin in. “If it wasn’t raining, you wouldn’t have found us here.” I made myself meet Martin’s eyes. “I take Beren outside when I can.”

Martin smiled and nodded, and I couldn’t detect anything under that. No anger. No threats. No jealousy. Not even disapproval. He stood and stretched and asked Merlin about food.

All four of us ate together, and then I put Beren down for a nap while Martin and Merlin talked alone. I stayed in the rocking chair in Beren’s room while za slept because I was absolutely sure that I was safe there.

Martin frightened me. I’d forgotten what that terror felt like.

“Don’t worry,” Ghostwheel said softly, right next to my ear.

I had had years to get used to Ghostwheel, so I didn’t jump. I never forgot, not anymore, that he was always there. “How can I not?” I responded in a voice that probably wouldn’t wake Beren.

“I might let Merlin… do things, but I won’t let Martin. Whether Beren’s there or not.”

I couldn’t imagine Ghostwheel stopping Merlin from doing anything, but maybe he would protect me from Martin. I wasn’t sure I wanted to know, but I asked anyway. “Why?”

“I didn’t think I cared about you being happy.” Ghostwheel sighed. “Apparently, I do. And not just because Merlin wants you to be.” He hesitated.

I knew both sigh and hesitation were purely affectation, so I waited.

“I understand a lot more about... things... than I did.”

“Ghostwheel--” I had known he’d experimented more with embodiment and physical sensations. Did that include--? Maybe he just meant he’d studied people and their psychology more. “I don’t want to--”

“Merlin won’t punish you for it.”

I covered my face with my hands. “There isn’t anyone else.” I rocked the chair three times. “You matter more to Merlin than I do.”

“His children always will. I’m grown, though. Beren’s not. Beren needs you. And… Merlin wants at least one more when Beren’s older.”

I took a deep breath, put aside the thought of what another pregnancy, another child, would mean, and lowered my hands. Beren needed me. I knew that. “I forget sometimes.” I rocked for almost a minute without saying anything else. “I’m better than I was.”

“Yeah. You’ll get better still.”

But I would never be who I was. Ghostwheel probably knew that.

“Martin says Benedict is coming to visit.”

I started. I hadn’t expected Ghostwheel to say that.

“Merlin won’t want him to see you or Beren.” Ghostwheel sounded almost apologetic.

“I don’t want to see him.” I didn’t. Bad enough that Martin knew.

“Would you prefer an indoor pocket to hide in or an outdoor pocket? I can keep the weather good if that’s a concern.”

I weighed that. I liked hot water and toilets and all of that, but… I wasn’t sure I could deal with a lack of doors again. If we were outside, I could pretend that we could leave. “How long?”

“Martin didn’t say. Merlin wants advice on defenses.”

So possibly a long time. Would Merlin visit? Would Martin? “It can’t be just me and Beren.”

“Who do you want? Merlin’s likely to give you anything.”

He always had, so that didn’t help much. “Some other kids and parents. Not just two or three kids, either, and not just Beren’s age.” Beren was young enough that it probably didn’t matter so much which kids. Za didn’t have specific best friends yet. “No one… I don’t want Merlin to be jealous.” I could barely get that out as a whisper. 

“Do you think he would be?” Ghostwheel sounded genuinely curious. “He always says he wouldn’t.”

I laughed then swallowed it when I realized how loud it was. “Merlin’s not always honest with himself.” I was pretty sure Ghostwheel knew that. “But, anyway, outside. We’ll have to be outside. Not near any water that kids could drown in.” Which would make things like bathing a hell of a lot harder, but I didn’t want any drowned kids. “Unless-- Is it possible to put up some sort of barrier that will let adults through but not anyone young and unsupervised?”

“Probably. Will you want shelters or just to sleep under the stars?”

“Shelters. If we’re there a long time and it doesn’t rain, things will die.” I thought I remembered being very small and in a tent with rain drumming on it. Yes. My father told me not to touch the sides or they’d leak, and I did anyway because I didn’t believe him. My mother got mad about the water dripping through, but my father laughed and used magic to seal things up again.  I tried to hold the memory, to put it somewhere where I could find it again. “We’ll need latrines or something and some way to deal with diapers.” Ghostwheel, however much he’d experimented with physical bodies, might well forget that point.

“Merlin is laying a geas on everyone so that no one can mention you or Beren.”

I nodded because I’d rather expected that.

“Would that be a good time for you to talk to Julia?”

Damn. I’d forgotten about Julia. No, I’d hoped that Ghostwheel had. I sighed. “Probably, but we’d have to do it somewhere where it’s just us.”

“All right.” Ghostwheel didn’t say anything for a moment. “Merlin’s brother has been trying to reach him. I’m not sure if I should let him.”

“Jurt?” Ghostwheel had to know that Jurt should be kept far away from Merlin, but I didn’t think he’d ask me about Merlin talking to Mandor.

“No, the other one. Despil. I think he’s a little panicked because he keeps trying and trying and trying. Also, Mandor asked me if I could find him. I’ve told Mandor I’m looking, but I’m not sure I should tell him that I’ve found Despil.”

I couldn’t remember Merlin ever mentioning a third brother. I pinched the bridge of my nose. “I think you should ask Merlin. He’s a lot less… fragile than he was, and this is family. He’d want to know.”

“Couldn’t you talk to Despil?”

I choked because I was pretty sure that Merlin would kill me and Ghostwheel both if we did that. When I was able to speak again, I said, “We both know Merlin wouldn’t like that. If nothing else, he doesn’t want people knowing I exist.”

“It might be a good thing for you if more people do.”

“So more of them can be waiting to kill me when Merlin stops protecting me?”

“Ariyus wants to protect you.”

“Who?”

“He considers you as father and Merlin as mother. I keep telling him that Merlin is father, but--”

“Wait. What?” I just barely managed to keep my voice quiet enough not to wake Beren.

“Ariyus chose his own name, so I can see why you wouldn’t know. Merlin made him while you were waiting for Beren to be ready to be born.”

Enlightenment dawned. “The hivemind infiltrator? I just gave Merlin the idea. Merlin did all the work.”

Ghostwheel laughed. “From our point of view, it looks a lot like what you did to help make Beren, so Ariyus decided it was the same relationship.” 

Something in Ghostwheel’s tone told me that I’d better not reject Ariyus, so I smiled and said, “I would like to meet him.” Maybe Ariyus could be a friend, an ally even. “I’m still learning how to be a father, though, so he should know that I screw that up sometimes, too.” Unlike Ghostwheel, Ariyus wouldn’t remember what I’d done to Merlin. Or what Merlin had done to me. My smile got a little stiffer, and I hoped Ghostwheel wouldn’t notice.


	10. Julia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to use this chapter as the start of a branching fic, but I realized that it wasn't actually going anywhere different from the rest of this story. I don't think that Julia's going to appear much in future chapters, and the focus here is really on how Luke's reacting to her.
> 
> Neither Luke nor Julia have the pieces to figure out why Mandor wanted her dead. Ghostwheel has the pieces but not the understanding of politics. Merlin would probably figure it out pretty fast.

Julia looked thinner than I remembered. I wasn’t sure if I’d forgotten or if she’d changed that much.   
   
Ghostwheel had put her in a room that looked very much like the cell Merlin used to use for my transition between the maze and my prison proper. It might even have been the same room.   
   
I didn’t want to ask.  
   
Ghostwheel had asked me to watch her from the moment he put her there, and I’d agreed. It wasn’t fair to Julia, but this wasn’t about being fair to Julia. This was about whether or not we were going to kill her.  
   
Julia was awake when she arrived, but she didn’t do more than glance around before sitting on the pallet on the floor. Her hair looked dirty, so I was surprised that she wasn’t interested in the shower. Her face was much blanker than I expected, and her stillness spoke more of fear than of serenity.  
   
Did I look like that sometimes?  
   
“When did she eat last?” I had to work at not whispering.  
   
“We couldn’t give her anything because people just out of stasis tend to throw up if they eat too soon.”  
   
I rolled my shoulders in an effort to release some tension. “Is it safe for her to eat yet?”  
   
“Another half an hour.”  
   
“She’s really not in great shape.” I tried not to sound accusing.  
   
“I don’t think Mandor fed her at all. I think… He’s got weird ideas. He may have thought that letting her starve wouldn’t be the same as just killing her.”  
   
“Did you feed her at all?”  
   
“I didn’t think she’d die if I didn’t, and we’d have had to wait to put her into stasis.”  
   
I closed my eyes and reminded myself that Ghostwheel had no personal experience with starting to die of hunger. “Some water first. Put it where it’s not much effort to pick it up. Then give her fruit juice, something more sugar than acid. Ask Sibyl about things to drink to settle the stomach.”  
   
I clenched my hands into fists. “When I go in--” I took a deep breath and tried to detach myself from my memories. I swallowed hard. “I’ll want the sort of food Sibyl gave me when, well, you know.” I really hoped that Ghostwheel did know.  
   
When I opened my eyes, there was a bottle of water next to Julia’s hand. The lid was flipped open so that all she needed to do was to pick it up. I wasn’t absolutely sure that she could, but she did.  
   
She drank without hesitation but stopped when the bottle was half empty. Her expression said that she very much wanted the rest. She looked at it then looked at the distance to the bathroom.  
   
I was pretty sure she was trying to decide if she could get to the sink.  
   
“Give her another bottle of water and a bottle of juice,” I told Ghostwheel. I didn’t want her to make herself sick, but I also wanted her to know she didn’t need to ration the water.  
   
The arrival of the juice brought the first real sign of animation to her expression. It was almost hope, but it looked like it hurt. She drank the juice slowly. I’m not sure if she was trying not to make herself sick or if she was afraid there wouldn’t be more.  
   
“I probably don’t even need to talk to her. I think she’ll compromise.”   
   
Julia had really expected to die. If Ghostwheel hadn’t intervened, she would have died. Slowly. Why hadn’t Mandor just cut her throat? Was it revenge or was Ghostwheel right in thinking that Mandor wanted to be indirect?  
   
I tried to figure out all of the possibilities. Then one occurred to me that would have to be addressed. “Julia nearly starving may have hurt the baby, especially if she wasn’t very far along. We might actually need Sibyl.” I sort of thought that dehydration might also be a problem, but if she’d been that dehydrated, she’d probably be dead already.  
   
“Sibyl would tell Merlin.” Ghostwheel sounded unhappy.  
   
I shrugged. “There are other doctors, I suppose. Shadow’s big.”  
   
Ghostwheel would probably kidnap someone. I tried to convince myself that it wasn’t my problem. Then I sighed. “It’s just that Sibyl has all the equipment and such that she needs here. Most doctors need their tools.” An idea occurred to me. “A shapeshifter might not need equipment. But anyone from the Courts… You’d never be able to let them go again.”  
   
Not that Ghostwheel would care.  
   
****  
   
Julia practically threw herself at me when Ghostwheel sent me in.  
   
I was very glad that I’d had Ghostwheel send the tray of food in separately because I’d have had to drop it in order to catch her as she staggered. Her legs really weren’t going to hold her up.  
   
She sobbed into my shoulder and clutched at my arms. She kept repeating, “Thank God. Thank God,” over and over.  
   
I got us both down to the floor after a few seconds. Then I just held her as I tried to figure out what to say. I couldn’t tell her she was safe when she absolutely wasn’t, but I was afraid that the truth might shatter her.  
   
Instead of saying anything, I pried her off me and started feeding her bits of broth soaked bread. “The food here may seem strange,” I told her, “but it’s generally good, and there’s plenty.”  
   
I stayed with her for two hours. Most of what I got into her was very simple carbohydrates. I didn’t want to think about what fat or heavy fiber would do to her at that point. If I hadn’t had Beren to think of, I’d have stayed longer, but although Beren was with people I trusted, I didn’t want zan worrying about where I was at bedtime.  
   
Before I went, I helped her to the toilet and then moved the pallet so that it was right by the bathroom door. “Someone’s listening,” I told her. “If you need something while I’m gone, just say it. There’ll be more food, small amounts, at intervals. We’ll work our way up to more challenging stuff.”  
   
She didn’t ask me why there wasn’t a door. She didn’t ask me where she was or why. She didn’t ask me anything.  
   
I think she was afraid I’d answer.  
   
*****  
   
Ghostwheel did kidnap a shapeshifting healer from the Courts, two actually, siblings of some sort. He thought it through far enough to offer payment for long term employment, but he didn’t tell the healers that it would be forever or that it would be outside of the Courts. By the time I met them, they had figured it out and were pissed as hell.  
   
I gambled and offered them Merlin’s name in the hope that ‘Merlin of House Sawall’ might mean something. I was kind of floored when it did. Apparently, signing on forever wasn’t such a terrible thing if it was connected with House Sawall. Then I had to tell them who I was. I didn’t bother with my lineage, just said that I was the father of Merlin’s youngest child.  
   
Although, by then, Beren almost certainly wasn’t the youngest.  
   
I wasn’t willing to try to explain that part.  
   
Still, I’d guessed right that that gave me status in their eyes.  
   
I didn’t bother trying to explain who Julia was or why we cared. I also didn’t mention Jurt or Mandor. I wasn’t convinced that pleasing me-- or even Merlin-- would outweigh pissing off Mandor.  
   
Fortunately, Julia didn’t mention them either. At some point, she’d figured out that what she said to strangers could get her killed. She answered direct questions but didn’t talk to them otherwise.  
   
They didn’t bother to tell her what they were doing or what their diagnosis was. They told me, once outside the room, though. They either hadn’t realized that Ghostwheel was in charge or thought that talking to me might be safer.  
   
The fetus had almost died. We’d gotten to Julia in time, but there might still be after effects. The eventual child might never grow very large or might be more prone to illness. They didn’t think that there would be problems with mental or emotional development, but they weren’t willing to promise that absolutely.  
   
One of them suggested prolonging the pregnancy and spending the entire time using shapeshifting to alter the fetus to make it stronger.  
   
Ghostwheel must have told them that the eventual baby mattered more than Julia did.  
   
When I started to realize the actual extent of what they could do to other people’s bodies, I had to excuse myself for a few minutes to empty my stomach. All I could think of was that Merlin could very easily have done that to me.  
   
He had said there were things he wanted to do but wouldn’t because they were too terrible. I hadn’t let myself think too much about what that might include.  
   
I was going to do my best to forget that it might include this.  
   
I hadn’t thought I could pity Julia, but I did. I really did. She was likely to survive, but I wasn’t sure if she was like me in wanting to live no matter what it cost. Maybe… Had she wanted a child? That might matter in terms of what she was willing to endure.  
   
I went back in without the doctors to ask.  
   
Julia looked a hell of a lot more alert than she had. She didn’t say anything when I appeared, just watched me carefully.  
   
I was almost certain she wasn’t afraid of me, but I think she had figured out that I really wasn’t in charge.  
   
When she did speak, she sounded extremely detached. “Mandor said that you and your mother were dead.”  
   
I closed my eyes for a second. I’d known my mother was probably dead. I just didn’t let myself remember most of the time. “I’m not,” I said. I let a little bitterness into the words. “There’s a price for that, though.”  
   
She pulled her legs up against her chest. “What’s the price for me?”  
   
I sat on the floor a few feet away from her pallet. I shrugged. “Surrender, pretty much. Ghostwheel will kill you if he thinks you’re going to be a threat or might decide to be some day.” I cleared my throat. “Ghostwheel is Merlin’s oldest child. Ghostwheel scares Mandor.”  
   
She cleared her throat. “I got that, actually.” She looked at the wall over my shoulder. “Mandor promised Jurt that he wouldn’t touch me. He didn’t. He just took great pleasure in telling me how he wasn’t going to do anything at all. Including feed me.”  
   
I thought about assuring her that Ghostwheel would kill her quickly if he decided to, but I was by no means sure he would. “Merlin doesn’t know you’re here. Nobody’s going to tell him just now because Ghostwheel’s worried you’ll hurt him or try to use him.” I tried to catch her eyes, but she wouldn’t look at me. “Julia, you’re only going to survive if you give up on revenge and ambition.”  
   
She started rocking back and forth.  
   
“You have some time. Nothing’s going to happen to you until your pregnancy ends.”  
   
I hadn’t thought she could curl in tighter, but she did. I waited to see if she would come back because I didn’t think hitting her with more information was going to be helpful.  
   
After several minutes, she raised her head and fixed her eyes on me. “Have you given up, Rinaldo?”  
   
I suspect that my flinch at the name was answer enough. “It’s been almost seven years,” I told her. “The things I want now are… smaller.” I looked at my hands. “It’s been almost seventeen years for Merlin.” Would she understand that, if Merlin had wanted to, he could have found her any time? If she realized that he didn’t care, maybe she’d have an easier time.  
   
Except that him not caring had been the problem before. I remembered that.  
   
She shifted a little, the noise and movement drawing my attention back to her. “What will he do to the baby?”  
   
I managed a more or less genuine smile. “Merlin’s-- He’ll go to great lengths not to hurt a child. He’ll take zan in and raise zan like his own. Hell, he’ll tell people in Amber and the Courts that za is his and make sure za gets to the Pattern and the Logrus. Ghostwheel-- He wants a bigger family, more people to talk to who aren’t trying to use him.”   
   
I didn’t say anything else for almost thirty seconds. “There isn’t anything that will get you killed faster than something Merlin or Ghostwheel thinks is a threat to the child.” I cleared my throat. “That definitely includes talking about Mandor or Jurt with any implication that Something Ought to Be Done. No revenge. Empire building in Shadow, fine. Empire building near or in Amber or the Courts, not at all okay.” I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. “They’re not going to let you make my mother’s mistakes.”  
   
I couldn’t make myself open my eyes to look at her. “Nobody told you or me what the stakes were, just what we were fucking with, what we were risking. Everybody else knew, but no one bothered to warn us. Merlin thought I knew. I think, too… I think he knew you didn’t.”  
   
“Rinaldo--”  
   
“Don’t.” I shook my head. “That’s not who I am. He calls me Luke because he liked me when I was Luke. Being Rinaldo… I can’t any more.” I opened my eyes and forced a brief smile. “The first three years were hell beyond anything I’d ever imagined, and… I won’t-- can’t-- risk losing the ways things have gotten better in order to help you.”  
   
She laughed, a sharp sound with an edge of panic. “I’m really fucked, aren’t I?”  
   
I didn’t want to care if Julia survived, but I did. “You have time.” She wasn’t visibly pregnant, not yet. “They’re talking about medical shit that will extend that time.” And be thoroughly miserable for Julia, I was pretty sure. “Ghostwheel’s always watching, always listening. Talk to him.” Maybe she could manage some level of Lima syndrome. If she couldn’t, she’d be no worse off. “He might give you a nicer place to stay if you’re cooperative.”   
   
That was as far as I was willing to go in terms of pointing out paths to survival. I never did ask her whether or not she wanted to live. By the time I could have, I’d realized that she wasn’t going to have a choice.


	11. Martin Making Peace

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks to Luminations for helping me all the way through this.

We’d only been camping for four days when I felt a pressure on my mind that I almost didn’t recognize. Someone was trying to reach me by Trump. I was bewildered by that because Merlin never had and because Ghostwheel never needed to. Anyone else… would have to have Ghostwheel’s permission.

Which meant there were only two people it really could be, and I didn’t think Mandor would bother. There wasn’t anything he thought I could give him.

I really didn’t want to talk to Martin, but I couldn’t think of any acceptable reason to refuse.

He didn’t say anything for about three seconds after I answered. Then he said, “I hoped this might be less threatening than just arriving on your doorstep.” He studied my face. “I’m not sure it is.”

I cleared my throat then shook my head. “It is. I just…” I almost choked on the words. “I’m not going to forget.” I tried to make myself believe that Ghostwheel had meant what he said about protecting me from Martin or at least that, if Ghostwheel didn’t, Aryus would.

Martin nodded. “Merlin doesn’t know.”

It wasn’t a question, so I only shrugged. I was pretty sure that Martin wasn’t going to make Merlin see it.

“At some point--” Martin’s voice managed to be both sympathetic and completely flat. “--Beren’s going to realize that zans father is terrified of zans mother.”

I wanted to look away, but the nature of Trump wouldn’t allow that. “I don’t want Beren to know.” I rubbed one side of my face. “I keep hoping that it won’t be true by the time Beren’s old enough to guess.”

“I’d rather not have Beren realize that zans father is terrified of zans Uncle Martin.”

I shrugged. That horse was so long out of the stable that the stable was dust. “I’ll try.” I couldn’t offer more.

“I can offer you all sorts of promises, but I don’t expect you’d believe me.”

He was right, but I didn’t think it would be polite to confirm it.

“Of the things that might happen,” he said, “this was never one of the options I considered.”

“I didn’t suggest it.” I thought it important to make that clear even if it wasn't exactly true. I'd certainly planted the idea. I just hadn't ever thought I might get this. “Merlin offered. Ghostwheel said he liked the idea.” I made myself meet Martin’s eyes directly as I told my lie. “I never thought about your opinion at all.”

Martin may have realized it was a lie, but he didn’t call me on it. “I would like to visit Beren while you’re… camping. I just-- You were horrified to see me. I could tell that.”

I’d thought I’d managed to hide my fear better than that. Merlin hadn’t noticed.

But Ghostwheel had, and Merlin was still shit with people.

“I should have realized you would.” I couldn’t quite keep bitterness out of the words.

“I won’t visit unless you’re willing to have me.”

“I wouldn’t rob Beren of that.” I gave myself a few seconds to breathe then added, “I know that Merlin’s children will always be safe with you. I’m even fairly certain that my children would be, at least as long as they were still children.”

He actually laughed. “I’m honored you think so highly of me.”

It was more that that was one sin Merlin would not have forgiven. I shrugged. “Beren will go to Amber eventually. I know that. Probably the Courts, too, although I think Merlin sees that as riskier.”

And, if Merlin saw risk, it must be very obvious.

Martin looked thoughtful. “And I can be in either place without drawing comment.” He nodded.

“Ghostwheel will be there, too,” I pointed out. I didn't want Martin to think we couldn't do without him. “But everyone can see you. I'd like him to wait for--” I swallowed hard. I didn't like thinking of the risks to my child. “-- real emergencies, the ones worth killing over. I don't think he's so good about things like not making a fool of yourself or worse when you go out and get smashed.”

Martin didn't try to tell me that Beren wouldn't. He smiled. “I know which fork to use first, too.” He didn't quite laugh.

“Beren needs to feel that za can trust you, so… I'm going to have to manage.”

“Merlin hasn't said not to hurt you,” Martin said. “I'm pretty sure that it just hasn't occurred to him that he might need to. For what it's worth, right now, he'd choose you.”

I knew that, but I hadn't thought of Martin hurting me as anything Merlin might see as requiring that choice. “He loves you.” I thought I had to make it clear that I knew that.

Martin didn't answer for a moment. He sighed. “I told him that keeping you alive was really fucking dangerous. I'm pretty sure I was right.”

I shrugged. He probably was right.

“Merlin doesn't realize that Ghostwheel likes you.”

I shook my head. “He knows. He told Ghostwheel to make his own choices about me. Merlin being Merlin, they discussed the options. And the repercussions.” I felt my expression flatten. “Merlin takes his children seriously.”

“I keep--” Martin shook his head. “I have trouble thinking of Ghostwheel as a child.”

“You didn't know him when he was.” I had, and I had abused his trust. That was my burden of sin. That Ghostwheel had forgiven me was a wonder. “I think,” I said, “that Merlin doesn’t realize how much Ghostwheel frightens most people. Mostly because Ghostwheel doesn’t frighten Merlin at all.” 

A thought occurred to me. “You know Merlin’s family on the Chaos side.” Martin had said as much, so I didn’t make it a question. “Ghostwheel has questions about--” I hesitated as I groped for the name. “Despil? I think that’s the name. I met Jurt. I didn’t realize there was another one.” If Martin talked to Ghostwheel about it, maybe Ghostwheel would stop asking my opinion on the subject. I had finally suggested that Ghostwheel move Despil to somewhere safe and difficult to escape while Ghostwheel decided what to tell Merlin.

Despil probably wasn’t happy about it, but I’d never met him, so I didn’t give a damn.

Martin’s eyes narrowed, and I was pretty sure he wasn’t really seeing me. “Despil is younger than Merlin and older than Jurt,” he said. “Za gets forgotten a lot of the time.” His eyes focused on me again. “I haven’t told Merlin, but Dara says that Jurt will soon be King in the Courts.”

That made Mandor’s treatment of Julia make so much more sense. He’d certainly wanted her dead, but he’d needed the child dead. Mandor had weird enough ideas of family that he might well have thought that passive murder wasn’t the same as killing kin. 

Breaking that to Merlin was going to be… difficult, and I couldn’t see any way that I wasn’t going to be the one stuck doing it.

“Merlin should have inherited before Jurt,” Martin went on. “Gramble, Dara’s husband, adopted him into the line of succession.”

I didn’t try to hide my understanding. “Ghostwheel told Mandor no.” I was pretty sure that Martin would understand that Mandor having listened was solid evidence that Mandor was afraid of Ghostwheel. “So did Despil say no and then run or is... za… inconvenient?” I stumbled a little over the pronoun because I had been thinking of Despil, like Jurt or Mandor, as Merlin’s brother. I probably should have noticed that, of the people Merlin mentioned from the Courts, his mother was the only one he ever referenced as female. The ratio seemed unlikely.

“I suppose we’ll have to ask zan.”

****

That was how Despil came to join us in our pocket campsite. Despil wanted sanctuary. Martin believed zan, and Merlin was inclined to grant the request. Neither Merlin nor Martin wanted Despil to meet Benedict, not until they were sure Despil really wanted, as za claimed, to be left in peace and to be safely out of Mandor’s reach.

It took me a while to realize that neither of them were quite sure how Benedict would react to seeing one of his descendents in such a plight. When I understood that, I was also pretty sure that they wouldn’t tell him anything at all about what Jurt had done and what might be happening to him as a result.

I hadn’t ever met Benedict and probably never would, but I’d heard enough about him that I wasn’t at all enthusiastic about the idea of him and Mandor at war with each other.

It only took me about five minutes after meeting Despil to realize that za really was the correct pronoun. Merlin, Jurt, and Mandor were all very definite about being male when they were human and dealing with fixed form people of power. Things Merlin had said had let me know that that was deliberate, a claim on the higher status Amber gave to men. 

Despil didn’t bother. Despil could be male-- or female-- but preferred not to be either unless there was reason to be. That may well be the reason za had never come to Amber.

I had somehow had the idea that za was a pronoun just for Beren or, maybe, for unborn babies. I’d known it wasn’t, but I hadn’t used the word for anyone else. Despil made me realize that za was what I should use for Merlin or Jurt or Mandor or anyone else of their kin. I didn’t want to do that, and it wasn’t until weeks later that I realized that that was mostly because of Merlin. I knew Merlin was alien, but I needed him to be-- however slightly-- human.

Despil was polite enough, but za requested a tent of zans own and, given a choice, really didn’t interact much with me or any of the other adults. Za talked to Beren and to some of the other children, showing more interest in those who were able to shapeshift than in those who weren’t.

Which made me worry about my brother and sister in the Courts of Chaos. What if they couldn’t learn to shapeshift? I had no idea how old they’d been when Merlin sent them there. I understood why he’d done it, but I didn’t want to think of them being treated as less than human.

All of which inclined me to think Despil was an asshole.

I didn’t tell Merlin that, of course. I also didn’t tell Martin. I think Ghostwheel noticed, but he didn’t comment. He did tell me, when I asked, that my siblings hadn’t quite been two when Merlin sent them to the Courts. He assured me that they had learned to shapeshift. It would never come as easily to them as to those born doing it, but they’d learned.

Ghostwheel also told me that Mandor was being very careful about Clayre and Gramble because he knew that Ghostwheel was watching. That made me feel better about them growing up with the people who had made Merlin the man he was. In a weird way, Ghostwheel was saner than any of the rest of us.

I was better at remembering things like that by then, so I was fairly sure I wouldn’t need to ask again. Beren might need Rinaldo, son of Brand, someday, so I needed to learn how to be him again. It wasn’t likely to happen soon, but those of our blood live a very, very long time. Eventually, something would change. 

I’d lost belief in that as a possibility during the years of hell, but… Things had changed. Radically. Another decade or four would change everything again. I don’t think that either Merlin or Ghostwheel understood that. 

Martin might, but I think he also knew that Beren changed my priorities. He’d probably still kill me if Merlin ever let me out of the Ways. Assuming I didn’t have other allies to protect me.

I don’t think Martin understood how determined I was not to let all of the family bullshit touch Beren. I considered telling him, but I thought he wouldn’t believe me, not in the way I meant it.

I tried anyway.

During one of his visits, he and I were sitting under a tree and watching Beren and three or four other children chasing each other and shouting. I knew that he had no interest in sitting there with me, that he was doing it mainly to show Beren that he and I were friends.

As if any child would be convinced by that.

“When we were first talking about a child,” I said softly. “Back then, before I understood, I asked Merlin if we could have a girl. No one expects a girl to chase a throne or execute some horrific vengeance.” I didn’t look at Martin to see how he reacted.

He didn’t say anything for several seconds. When he finally spoke, his voice was as soft as mine had been. “It wouldn’t necessarily be a protection.”

I shrugged. “At least it might mean being fucked up in a different way than I am or than Merlin is.” I looked sideways at Martin. “Possibly more like how you are.”

His answering laugh didn’t hold much humor. “Mine comes from nobody having warned me.”

“He’d have found someone else.” I rather suspected that, if he’d had to, my father would have sent my mother out to seduce one of his brothers so that he could grow his own… donor. Which would have been an entirely new level of fucked up. I sighed. “I can’t see any of us, you, me, or Merlin, letting Beren go unwarned.”

“Ah,” he said. “No. No, not that.”

Neither of us said anything else for quite some time. Beren and zans friends wore each other out enough that naps became inevitable. Beren fell asleep sprawled across my lap. 

I stroked zans hair and closed my eyes. There wasn’t going to be a better time to say this. “I know,” I told Martin, “but I also don’t know. I’m not sure why Merlin thinks the lies hurt less.” I took a deep breath and made myself say the words. “My mother’s dead.”

Almost a minute passed before Martin said, “Yes.”

I nodded. “I didn’t see how she couldn’t be.” I thought about asking who had killed her, but I really didn’t want to know. “Thank you for being that honest.” I kept my eyes closed. I didn’t want to look at him and to see that he’d killed her or that Merlin had. I could live with Mandor having done it or even Ghostwheel. I already knew Mandor was a monster, and Ghostwheel probably would have made it quick.

I knew Merlin and Martin were monsters, too, but they were monsters I had to live with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm calling this the end of the story because I started to wonder if there could actually be an ending to this story. It's the story of Luke recovering as much as he can, and I'm not sure that's a journey that will end. 
> 
> At this point, the big things that are likely to happen will come years apart or be focused on characters other than Luke-- Julia and Despil have things going on. Luke and Merlin will probably have another child or two. Merlin will keep making construct children. Merlin will have to do something about Corwin eventually. And, oh, yes-- There's Dalt.
> 
> I've got another few hundred words that come after this, but... they involve covering many years in a handful of paragraphs. I take that as a sign that they don't really fit. I just like writing Luke's POV. 
> 
> I've also got some Merlin POV bits (10K words of them) set in this particular branch about twenty years further on that might end up as a completely different story.


End file.
